This is a food blog

Keep your pasta salad locked down

2009-01-21T00:07:00.010-05:00

I just made a really intense (ly delicious!) pasta salad. Considering that A. I made it while simultaneously watching American Idol, B. and having an inauguration dance party, and C. I made up the recipe in a state of post-gym disorientation* while in the grocery store, it is really a tasty homage to multitasking. And I simply must recommend it.

Ingredients
-Two chopped roasted yellow peppers
-One sliced zucchini sauteed in garlic and olive oil
-One chopped mango sauteed in garlic and olive oil
-One box of Farfalle pasta (you know, the pasta you can use to make gerbils look like they're sportin' formal wear... because they're tiny bowties you guys!) lightly coated with a few drops of lemon pepper marinade and vinegar
-Grape tomatoes for garnish

*Probably no one else is disoriented when they leave the gym. Just me? OK.

If dreams could make wishes come true

2009-01-09T11:52:00.003-05:00

I wish I was eating this. Catfish, eggs, grits. But it's in New Orleans.

Shrimp tempura: surprisingly mobile

2009-01-07T11:37:00.003-05:00

As I waited for the C train last night I was munching on some tempura. To be fair, I didn't realize there was shrimp in it until I was about halfway through it. To be fairer, this was "tempura" I obtained from the cafeteria that resembled some sort of fried bird's nest. The point is-- anything is possible if you believe.

The violent, edible alternative to fairy dust

2009-01-04T20:06:00.004-05:00

This season you probably wished for a way you could capture the magic of the holidays without having to kill a fairy. We've all been there. But don't worry. Picture angel food cake coated with melted Ghirardelli chocolate and dusted with candy cane dust.

Look. That's what I made.

"How does one acquire candy cane dust?" I was asked. Well, that's an easy equation. Candy canes + hammer.

Butter, sweat and tears

2008-12-18T15:38:00.004-05:00

I don't know if you missed this week's hot NYT's article on Butter. The gist of it is, "Your holiday baking turns out terrible every year because you're a moron. And you might as well kill yourself if you don't start using butter correctly." Unlike one source, I can't say my cookies have ever turned out so poorly it made me cry. Making cookies would only make me cry if they came to life and then fought a bloody civil war against each other until they were all dead. But I did learn from the Times that butter is full of "secrets," not unlike a woman's heart. I also learned that once you melt it, you've basically rendered it worthless as an ingredient. This faux pas I've committed!

Everything you always wanted to know about butternut squash risotto but were too afraid to ask

2008-12-17T14:36:00.003-05:00

Until I waited tables in a fancy-ish restaurant, I wouldn't have known the difference between risotto and the hunchback of Notre Dame. But now I embrace the creamy, ambiguous side dish. I recently tried this recipe via Wolfgang Puck via the Food Network. I know it says "pumpkin" risotto but the ingredients call for butternut squash, so that's what I went with, because why quibble over bulbous fruits of the earth?

It was timely to hack apart the squash and dispose of its unborn children. But the resulting baked and pureed squash rivals mashed potatoes in deliciousness and mashed-up-ness. I was tempted to eat it alone without adding it to its betrothed Italian Arborio rice.

It is possible, unfortunately, to use too much Parmesan cheese (Once you start grating a cheese mountain it's really hard to stop).

If you want to make a big batch and have it for several days, I recommend storing it in a French Cathedral.

Burritos: a love story

2008-07-12T10:10:00.002-04:00

When I first met burritos, their imposing circumference and weighty innards did nothing to water my mouth. I avoided the infant-sized "Mexican" creation, despite their accessibility.

No matter how often they came around, in my mom's kitchen, on my favorite restaurants' menus, I refused to give in. One time a burrito left roses on my doorstep. Still, no.

Then one Spring morn a burrito chain opened in my hometown. I was promised a free one and lunchtime hunger pangs -- and an empty wallet -- complied. The burrito I received -- a melting pot of black beans beans and rice and spicy chicken -- satisfied my appetite in a way I hadn't felt for a long time. It was love at first bite.

Also, later, it was indigestion and gas.

These fries are outrageous!

2008-07-03T12:22:00.002-04:00

The Top 10 Foods Only America Could Have Invented

Funnel vision

2008-06-22T21:57:00.002-04:00

Today my mouth attacked the worst and best thing you can ever eat: a funnel cake.

Because while the sugary treat was sensational going down, now -- three hours later -- I fear for my life. Will I wake up tomorrow morning? Will fried dough seep from my pores when I shower?

There's no way of knowing.

Today the food blog recommends...

2008-06-16T10:49:00.003-04:00

eating five coconut popsicles in one sitting. Not that I've done that. OK I have. And it was the right thing to do.

True Life: I live off frozen food

2008-06-13T13:34:00.003-04:00

Editor's note: This is a guest entry from a real-life Midwestern career-lady who will eat anything on a biscuit and loves cutsypie Pomeranian pups. We thank her for sharing this riveting account.

When people come to my house, they inevitably ask me when was the last time I used my stove or how many times has it ever been turned on.

My standard reply is that the last time I turned the stove on it filled my kitchen with smoke. I can count on one hand the number of times I have turned it on in the last nine years.

You see, anyone who knows me can tell you I have no desire to even own a stove. It neatly fills what would be a dandy-sized hole in my kitchen. I have thought a recliner or even a foosball table would be a better fit in that space.

The flat-out truth is I am single and I see no fun or challenge in attempting to conjure up some dish with which I will be stuck eating for days -- until leftovers are coming out of my ears.

Yes, I know you can freeze leftovers and save them until the next craving hits, but my freezer is overstocked with the single woman's best kitchen tool: The frozen dinner.

If there is such a thing as being the gourmet connoisseur of frozen dinners, I just might qualify. Without hesitation, I can tell you my favorite is just about anything Stouffer's. Their lasagna is as close to my own mother's as any I have ever encountered. It is several layers with plenty of ricotta, ground beef and very tasty tomato sauce. Stouffer's meatloaf, barbecued chicken and fettuccini alfredo are also above normal frozen food standards.

For a quick, forkless meal on-the-go, you cannot go wrong with Totino's Pizza Rolls or a Hot Pocket. I prefer the supreme pizza rolls because onions and green peppers are thrown into the bite-size creatures giving them some added zest. Taco Hot Pockets are my choice among the many varieties in the frozen food case. The hamburger is spicy and there's plenty of cheese which is always a plus in my book.

And what's for dessert? What else but a freezer's best friend: Ice cream. Anything with cookie dough, peanut butter or caramel is on my favorite's list and I could eat several pints of Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Roll in one sitting. You have never tasted so much cinnamon squished into one small container in your life.

So this is my summary of a single woman's diet. A woman who is obviously not overly health conscious and just wants to enjoy some of the finer things found in a freezer.

Your food soundtrack

2008-06-13T11:24:00.005-04:00

Every food deserves its own soundtrack. I once knew a guy who said you can tell how good a food is from the sound it makes when you chew it. I suspect he was on some meds. All Bjork-esque theories aside, eating food is a sensory experience where your ears are largely excluded, UNTIL NOW.

Today's edition: Hot Cereal. Oatmeal, cream of wheat, grits, Cocoa Wheats-- these be your jams; mellow, hot, sticky and viscous.

Smoke & Mirrors – RJD2
Tipitina – Professor Longhair
I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry – Hank Williams
Within You Without You – The Beatles

Yeah, that's only 4 songs. But how long does it take you to eat a bowl of cereal anyway?

We are now accepting nominations for the next food to be soundtrack'd at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com.

Speaking of nutbars!

2008-06-12T14:49:00.000-04:00

In my hometown in Indiana there’s this place called The Frozen Custard. I think it’s historically significant and junk. And it serves frozen custard. And they have this signature thing called a nutbar and it’s vanilla frozen custard covered with nuts (secured with a very thin, virtually non-tasteable layer of chocolate) on a stick. And everyone in my family loves them. If you’re a guest at my home and you arrive not bearing nutbars, you get taken out to the wild boar pasture, tied to a tree and covered in boar hormone mating juice. Yeah, it’s a little backwater.

Going nuts

2008-06-10T20:44:00.002-04:00

To combat hypoglycemic states, I keep a wealth of nuts at my work desk (see prev. entry).

As of June 10, my "nutbar" includes: almonds, redskin peanuts, pumpkin seeds and honey roasted soynuts.

I'm pretty sure I came up with the idea for a nutbar, and I enjoy inviting co-workers -- often confused or disgusted by my collection -- to partake.

They rarely do, but I like sharing. One thing I've learned: never let people just grab your nuts, ask them to cup her/his hand and then just hand them over.

That's what sh... nevermind.

It must’ve been soup, but it’s over now

2008-06-04T13:39:00.003-04:00

What is it about this muggy June day that makes me want to inhale hot liquids like a Hoover wet-vac? I’ve been fiendishly craving soup daily in spite of this Dirty Dancing II: Hot Havana Nights weather we’ve been having.

I know my fellow flogger Michelle disdains soup. But I think her concept of soup is a 79 cent dented can of Campbell’s chicken & stars. That salty gruel is actually delicious, too, in its own right. But it’s not a proper representation of what soup can really be in all its glory. (Trust me, cream of asparagus prepared by a chef trained at the Bel-Aire will make anyone start a murderous rampage of soupy joy.)

Confession time: When presented with two or more big stainless steel vats of soup, I become…. a soup mixer. Like 12-year-olds mix Mountain Dew and Orange Crush at the soda fountain, I mix seafood bisque and curried lentil.

Best decision of my life.

Insalts

2008-06-02T22:32:00.004-04:00

My second high school boyfriend was surprised when he found Slim Jims in my backpack during art class.

"Girls don't like salty meats," he said, puzzled but charmed.

"Oh yes they do, Barky," I offered back. I called him Barky because he was a panda bear.

Am I really an anomaly among women in that I like jerkies and dried beef sticks? I get it honestly; many family members enjoy beef, warped so it looks like a dry turd.

They are convenient and full of protein -- the meat, that is. And my family.

My dentist gives me turkey bacon after check-ups when I don't bite his fingers. What's not to love?

No take-backs

2008-05-30T17:43:00.006-04:00

I really hate people who go around saying, “I have no regrets.” (Their favorite web site must be www.denial.com. Right? High five!) But when I really think about it, I stand behind my own life choices, too. If I could have a life mulligan I’d only change one thing.

I would not have purchased curry-flavored potato chips.

Editor’s note: The flog is back. That horrible volcano that erupted various segments of spaghetti bolognaise was brutal. But thanks for all your prayers.

AND if you have any food questions please email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

Messed up sugars in tomato sauce

2008-05-27T22:41:00.004-04:00

Oh, hey readers.

Joanna and I encountered a natural disaster three weeks ago and subsequently have been unable to flog. You see, a giant meatball rolled down from a volcano and crushed our small island village. And if that wasn't bad enough, well, that was only the beginning. The volcano proceeded to erupt flooding the ruins of the village with a merciless river of marinara sauce.

It was pretty bad. I lost my appetite for meatball subs. Joanna lost a leg.

And if that wasn't enough, I received a startling diagnoses from my doc about my blood sugar. I'm hypoglycemic. Much to my chagrin that does not mean I can dispense ice cream toppings from my fingernails. It means my blood sugar levels are regularly too low, and when I feel weak and super hungry during the day it's not me being an infant baby babe. Still, this condition is preferred to diabetes, in which one's blood sugar is too high. Better in that, sometimes, I might have to eat candy bars and pastries for my well-being. Diabetics can't eat anything fun. I have to.

It blows but it's not as bad as cancer or the prospect of being in China right now. Sorry earthquake victims :(

Yeah, you'd lick the bowl

2008-05-07T20:38:00.002-04:00

Brownie: The bastard child of the baked goods world. No one will lay claim to our fine fudgie friend with a muddled history covered in chocolaty crumbs. Though presumably American-born, this innocuous potluck picnic standard is left to wander the streets asking, “Are you my daddy?” or perhaps more striking, “Who am I?”

Too dense to be a cake. Too cakey to be a cookie.

With this identity crisis in tow the brownie is easily seduced by you or me. We promise the moon, the stars… love. But we’re really just looking to sink our teeth into that delicious quadrilateral snack. It’s not a fair fight.

Smart choices made cheesy

2008-04-17T09:05:00.004-04:00

Surely you've noticed the bright green "Smart Choices Made Easy" stamp on dozens of brand-name foods and bevs.

I started seeing them in the early 00s. Then, they were few and far between, rightly indicating vitamin and mineral-rich things for me to eat up in my belly.

Now, they're everywhere.

Seeing the stamp on Quaker "Breakfast Cookies" and diet carbonated drinks is like a smack in the face for those informed on nutrition. There's nothing naturally "healthy" about the sugary "granola" items or the pop, sweetened with fake sugar that is ultimately blamed for killing radioactive Sean Penn look-alikes.

The way to check if something is truly a "smart choice?" Examine the ingredients on the item's packaging. If there's less than, say, seven items listed, it's probably pretty good.

In gen, eating stuff the land makes is always better than the stuff people like your dad makes.

The smart choices stamp, designed with a white torso, from which its arms are outstretched in victory, is a marketing scheme. "I am eating well!" it seemingly proclaims, stupidly. I want to take that stamp, wrap it in a pita, and use it as a softball.

Don't eat schtuff because Aunt Tropicana or Cousin Nabisco tells you it's good. Nabisco never even graduated from community college and Aunt Tropicana is a suspected guest star on "The Hills" this season as Lauren's dog.

Bacon is the new black

2008-04-14T17:58:00.006-04:00

What do cocoa and Babe have in common? You can eat them both in one delicious candy bar. That’s right, chocolate with bacon in it. I can’t make this up.

Recently an angel flew down from heaven and said unto me, “Ye shall eat of the pleasure that is this sweet-savory-someone-put-breakfast-in-my-candy delight.” And let me tell you, it’s so wrong it’s right. (I'm sorry, that rhyme is creepy.)

Think about it— what can’t bacon make better? I can think of nothing except maybe...Veggie burgers? No, still better with bacon. The constitution? No, still better with bacon. Underwear? No, still better with bacon. Iraq? No, still better with bacon. I give up. Ok, maybe the weight-bearing walls of a structural design.

But while our chocolate is allying with our salty breakfast meat, where else can this bacon trend go?

-Bacon Martini

-Bacon cookies
-Bacon first aid

Modified beverages

2008-04-14T09:53:00.002-04:00

Please don't hate me for offering another Starbucks post, or for spending money at the sometimes-controversial coffee distributor.

I've visited the shop -- one half mile from my house, right on my way to work, so freaking convenient -- approximately twice a week for the last three weeks. My downfall? Iced lattes.

Ordering one this morning, I got a little embarrassed. Because I was blowing three bucks on something I could have made for a fourth of that price on my own? Yes. But also, because of how many adjectives my coffee drink got.

Iced, tall, skinny, vanilla. The quartet of words that prefaced the base noun -- latte. That's ridiculous. And indulgent. And too much fanfare for an actually mediocre morning beverage.

Am I wrong? Usually.

Give me corn tortillas or give me death.

2008-04-10T10:58:00.002-04:00

Nothing fills me with rage more than a flour tortilla. I know many people like to eat various ingredients enclosed in a dry, newspaper-like substance.

But I would rather die than have my home turned into a quarters for flour tortillas to sleep. I would rather die than let flour tortillas raise our taxes. And I would surely die before letting flour tortillas have my freedom!

Have you tried corn tortillas instead? They're so delicious. And they don't taste awful like flour tortillas.

Gummi bears for breakfast

2008-04-09T12:12:00.003-04:00

In the interest of keeping with my breakfast-themed missives, I write today about an unusual supplement to many of my day's first meals during the last month.

It's gummi bears.

Maybe it's because I can get a three-serving package for .99 at CVS, a store directly across the street from my workplace. Maybe because the teeny gelatin mammals satisfy my sweet tooth, which somehow, is more demanding in the day's early hours. Or maybe it's because I resent your glowing face.

No, I can't pinpoint why I'm drawn to gummi bears almost daily. And I can't help but think that the breakfast addition is better than some of my potential alternatives. Things like bananas, whose delicate skin inevitably reveals some unappetizing dark bruises after peeling or like demon candy, which is only sold in my brain and hard to gain access to in the mornings.

Moreover, gummi bears beat out its gelatin candy competition in the shapes of worms or the less animalistic rings. Indeed, if I'm going to eat an animal in confection form, I want the most ferocious of my options.

I also want to fill up my room with gummi bears like a ball pit.

lasagna: a near death experience

2008-04-08T11:47:00.002-04:00

I nearly avoided a rumble at the grocery store last weekend. Having never made lasagna before, I knew I was in for a potentially bumpy ride. I researched the topic beforehand, but I ended up going to the store sans grocery list or recipe with nothing to follow but my heart.

After loading up my red plastic basket, I cruised on into the produce section for some zucchinis. OK, I know that "cukes" refers to cucumbers, but I've never seen that kind of casual hip-hop lingo used in a respected establishment like a grocery store.

As soon as I set my two faux zucchinis down on the self-check scanner, I realized my horrible mistake. I left my groceries at the register and frantically ran back for the zukes. The line of shoppers behind me flashed their concealed weapons, clearly wanting me dead.

I somehow made it home with only a few shallow shank jabs and all the right ingredients, as frightening as some of them might be. (ahem, ricotta cheese)

And for the record, how great is it that parmesan cheese never expires? It's better than Twinkies. Growing up as a kid, how many years did that green canister of Kraft Parmesan sit in your fridge? It's still there, right? Still good.

Also, does anyone want some leftover lasagna noodles?

Starbrunch

2008-04-07T11:46:00.003-04:00

This morning I discovered Starbucks' breakfast sandwiches.

The coffee queen added the eggy treats to its menu months ago. As an infrequent visitor, I felt indifferent about the menu expansion despite my love of traditional breakfast breads stuffed with salty meats and chicken embryos.

And when the emo cashier with cheap highlights presented my order this morning, I was initally surprised that the cheesy concoction overtook my right hand. Its multigrain base was larger and more dense than traditional English muffins, and less informed on popular BBC sitcoms.

Sadly, its inflated size failed to correlate with better taste, but maybe that's because I ordered the most low calorie, low cholestoral and low fun breakwich on the list.

I remain ambivalent toward Starbucks breakfast sandwiches. On the other hand, the iced coffee that supplemented my mediocre egg patty proved a refreshing and delicious five dollar treat.

I've neither the desire nor the means to purchase Starbucks' beans every day. But do you know what I do have the desire and the means to do? Eat your family.

Po' boys, rich girls

2008-04-06T22:14:00.003-04:00

In the search for the perfect sandwich, I visited Memphis, Tenn. this past weekend where I encountered spicy sausages and crusty breads. Joanna was unable to join me, representing New York at the Cutest Physically Handicapped Baby Contest in Blubbersburg.

Still, unlike Joanna, I know my meats. And I know the thick and veiny sausages I encountered in Memphis were among the most satisfying I will ever have the pleasure of enjoying for lunch. That's what she said. That is, the waitress who served me the fatty pig parts.

Maybe not more interestingly, the "sammiches" on the menu at the Memphis cafe I intruded were called Po' Boys which, according to my part-time Tennessee guide, mostly just means that there's enough bread involved to be used as a sleeping bag for two.

Indeed, there was. But it was delicious. And I realized that, for me, men and sandwiches are alike in that as long as they got character, I don't care if they're po'.

My meat ignorance, Part II

2008-04-03T18:46:00.001-04:00

What is pastrami and why did I buy it? These questions will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I’m pretty new on the deli meat scene. Walking up to a deli counter and asking for a pre-determined weight of something is still a weird experience in my book. I decided it was time to veer from the safe and narrow turkey path. No, not to smoked turkey, but to…. pastrami?!

It looked like a real meat’s meat. Ya know? But it wins the award for meat that’s actual deliciousness is inversely proportional to how delicious it appears. It looks really delicious. Need I say more, math majors?

I still don’t really understand what it is. I decided it must be cut from the least delicious part of the animal. (the shoulder?) Dictionary.com says it’s “a brisket of beef that has been cured in a mixture of garlic, peppercorns, sugar, coriander seeds, etc., then smoked before cooking.” That sounds exactly how I like my women. And my meat.

But I guess in life we just don’t know what we want.

My meat ignorance, Part I

2008-04-02T09:06:00.005-04:00

This will probably come as a shock, but there's a lot I don't know about meat.

I mean... I know where it comes from. And it's not the same place as babies. Well, at least not directly. But this volume of "My meat ignorance," the first part of an ongoing series, providing many "that's what she said" opportunities to my eager and mature audience, will focus on sausage.

Back when I lived in the Midwest, at breakfast time, sausage came in two forms: patty and finger-sized link. Here in NYC, sausage only seems to come in one form: dinosaur-serious-SERIOUS-you-can-definitely-tell-a-butcher-stuffed-indiscriminate-animal-parts-into-some-intestinal-tract-and-tied-it-off-like-a-balloon-animal.

This may be better sausage, more legit sausage, a more keepin' it real and true to da streets kind of sausage. But it scares the crap out of me! Maybe not all NY sausage is like this. After receiving these ginormo-links from the kitchen of a diner voted "BEST RESTAURANT IN QUEENS 1998," there's no way I'm making that mistake twice. I just can't handle that kind of sausage.

FOOD BLOG CONTEST TIME!!!

2008-04-01T13:30:00.004-04:00

The food blog is hosting a contest to see who can bake the BEST cherry pie. The prize for the winner is a cherry pie. All contestants will receive a cherry pie.

Email: thisisacherrypiecontest@gmail.com for details.

WTF, water

2008-04-01T11:20:00.006-04:00

I've been drinking Vitamin Water the last four days or so in an effort to abstain from carbonated bevs.

After all, even the "diet" ones that we drink happily, trading calories for brain-killing sweeteners, are not good for our small intestines. And these days you have to be under age 12 or over 300 pounds to drink full-sugar pop and still maintain a respectable level of integrity. (Because you don't know any better, or because you've lost the will to live.)

But I'm no fool. Vitamin Water is not a health food (26g of sugar per bottle = useless calories), and maybe worse, it tries too hard to be trendy.

Here is how:

1. Its "flavors" are all bright colors that are pretty! (but they in no way resemble anything in nature)

2. The bottles' text offers a faux-edge kind of funny. "For best results, stick it in the fridge," reads the all-lower case letter, super contemporary, black-rimmed-glasses-wearing-reader font.

But for all its artificial glam, Vitamin Water DOES keep its name-carrying promises. I'm getting 25 percent of my Vitamin B5 needs from my kiwi strawberry concoction this morn! I don't know what that means, but I really like it.

A friend called Vitamin Water an "overpriced yuppie drink," but I got mine for a dollar at Wal-Mart.

Cream cheese repentance

2008-03-31T14:50:00.002-04:00

Warning: I’m about to bash a holy sanctity of health food.

But first I have to clear one thing up: I’m not a picky eater.

I know plenty of people, well over the age of 5, with diets that consist solely of chicken, pasta, potato, and cheese. I’ve eaten squid in its own ink and liked it.

Now that we have that cleared up, it’s time for some blasphemy. Grab your fiber zero-trans-fat rosary and hold on.

I don’t like tofu.

Now that I’ve made this public I realize my name is on the vegan mafia hit list and I’ve been excommunicated from the church of Whole Foods. Whatever.

I would describe tofu as having the grossest texture in the world. Since it taste like nothing and takes on the flavor of its brethren food ingredients, what is the point of sticking it in there in the first place? As a meat substitute? I’d rather go totally meatless, please, than ingest creepy, wiggly bean curd JELL-O.

And, full disclosure, I’ve eaten flan made from soy beans, and it was awesome. So, tofu, honesty, you suck.

Now here’s the lick. I can get down with tofu cream cheese. My roommate brought it home one day from a health food store while on a detox diet. It’s from a brand called Tofutti (known for its tofu ice cream) and the label says, “Better than cream cheese.” And since regular cream cheese already has a slimy texture, it doesn’t matter that it’s made from soy! I recommend the Herbs & chives flavor. Maybe they won’t be making an episode of Law & Order inspired by when they found my dead bodied buried under an organic turnip garden in Brooklyn after all.

Breaking breakfast

2008-03-28T18:09:00.006-04:00

If you've ever seen the pilot of Arrested Development or had a mom, you may agree that "breakfast is the most important meal of the day" is a ubiquitous ideal.

If you are literate, you may have encountered one of what seems like dozens of scientific studies proving that, hey, b-fast does a lotta good for our brains and our hot asses. Indeed, there are plenty of physiological (and taste buddal!) reasons to leggo my eggo and eat it.

We get it. Eating in the morning is good for us.

So why am I still reading about VERY IMPORTANT studies emphasizing this established concept?

On Tuesday, a New York Times' health blogger posted information about a study among more than 2,000 pimply adolescents in Minnesota. Results: the fatties didn't eat breakfast. NOT BREAKING NEWS!!!!

In April's Good Housekeeping mag (FU, my mom subscribes. FU, yes I live at home still. FU, it's free for me. FU, yes I feel defensive about it.) one of the SUPER helpful tips to "supercharge your metabolism" is, whaddya know, a "hearty breakfast." NOT CRAZY FRESH REPORTING!!!!

So media criticism aside, we freagin know not to delay our seven bowls of Cocoa Puffs for after dinner. And -- hey scientists, how about focusing your magical brains on something else now? AIDS cure? Soap that smells like cole slaw?

Searching the city for sci-fi wasabi

2008-03-27T17:49:00.009-04:00

I’ve often wondered what the two Japanese women of the acid jazz trip hop duo Cibo Matto were rapping about in the song “Sci-Fi Wasabi.” It always sounded like a bunch of nonsense, but now I think I understand.

Because
today at lunch
I tried

for the first time
after being warned many times: “They have a kick to ‘em.”

Wasabi peas.

You’re probably wondering, what does Japanese horseradish have to do with obscure Star Wars references? So much, my friend.

Remember the very last scene of "Men in Black?" Planets are actually marbles. Take a look at wasabi peas… I think they’re actually planets. They look so much like a miniature and greener version of our majestic planet from space. Who wouldn’t want to eat tiny Earths?

And in case you’re not familiar, wasabi peas are dehydrated peas, flavored with wasabi, and coated with that ambiguous crunchiness signature to many a pre-packaged Japanese snack food.

It’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot in here; there must be some chili in the atmosphere

2008-03-26T16:36:00.004-04:00

Everyone seems to like their chili a very specific way. Soupy. Hot. On top of spaghetti. Covered in cheese. Without beans. Without tomatoes.

What’s wrong with these people?

I like my chili like I like my industrial waste. Thick and chunky. And I eat it cold. Yeah, I’m in the minority. But once I had a chili party and everyone thought my chili was damn good, even if they ate around the tomatoes or the beans.

My chili recipe that you probably won’t like:

Ingredients
Two yellow onions
Chopped garlic
Two large cans petite diced tomatoes
4 cans beans (any beans you want, really. Kidney, pinto, ambiguous “chili” beans)
Chili powder
Cayenne pepper
1-2 lbs ground beef
1 pkg peeled mini carrots
1 box adorable pasta (mini shells, mini bowties, etc)

1. Boil the carrots
2. Finely chop the onions. Prepare to cry.
3. Sautee onions with a few tablespoons of chopped garlic until brownish
4. Dump tomatoes, beans, and onion into large pot over a low heat. (Feel free to include natural juices. You’ll need them.)
5. Brown ground beef. Dump into pot.
6. Boil the pasta. Leave it al dente.
7. Drain pasta and carrots and dump into pot.
8. Add chopped garlic, chili powder and cayenne pepper to taste.

Tunasty?

2008-03-25T10:23:00.007-04:00

All my life I've been forced to hide the fact that I love tuna fish. Only recently, I've been unpacking the reasons why.

1. it radiates an overwhelming stink, and lends itself to off-color hygiene jokes.

2. actually, that's the only reason.

I don't deny its stench. Because you have to throw it away outside or it permeates otherwise nicely smelling homes with fish odor. Because if any of the tuna's natural juice secretes into one's clothing or skin the diner smells like the fish. And because, in general, people dislike that smell. I've never seen a salmon perfume, after all.

What can I say? The protein-rich meat levels my blood sugar and provides the energy of a toddler.

But I will continue to blush when adult male family members say they never liked girls who smell like tuna. Oh my cod, I trout you know what that feels like.

The egg: he’s always been there for you. You just didn’t notice UNTIL NOW

2008-03-24T17:18:00.002-04:00

An egg, to me, is like that dude in a “chick flick.” He’s the dorky less desirable guy that the heroine doesn’t realize is the perfect mate until the end. Like Mark Ruffalo in 13 Going on 30 or Colin Firth in Bridget Jone’s Diary or that guy from The Princess Diaries who’s name I can’t remember/never knew.

An egg doesn’t really stand out from the crowd or hold its own like a juicy steak or a pit fire roasted boar. And in all honesty it doesn’t make you mix tapes or provide emotional support either. However, what would breakfast be without the egg? A horrible, empty meal of despair they’d call despairfast. That’s what.

And without eggs, how would dinosaurs be born? And what would go on my fried egg sandwich? And deviled eggs. Are amazing. As a 7-year-old at large family holiday dinners everyone was reminded to get an egg before I ate them all.

I always regret not going with Egg to the prom. I turned him down because I was holding out for the most popular guy in school to ask me (a pit fire roasted boar). And as I sat on my stoop on prom night, covered in hairspray and sequins, and watched the popular kids drive by laughing in their limo, Egg was there.

I didn’t get to grind up on my classmates to Fat Joe’s “Lean Back,” but I had a mighty tasty omelet.

And if you’ve never seen this flash cartoon, omg you need to.

Two kinds of jerky

2008-03-20T22:57:00.005-04:00

Editor's note: If you're a dude, this entry might make your brain explode.

Eating preserved meat is like having a friend that sells Mary Kay.

At first, eating the meat is as enjoyable and delicious-tasting as the Mary Kay "events" are fun and inviting.

But a couple dozen chews or minutes in, you want out.

Because you realize that the meat's tragic saltiness and pungent after-taste will linger on your tongue for hours, just as you realize the cosmetics distributor is OK with poking at your self-esteem to get inside your wallet.

More disturbingly, you realize the quality of the dehydrated meat is not unlike the character of the deeply powdered friend -- pretty low.

And before you know it, there you are: stuck with an unquenchable thirst, and 12-dollar plum lip gloss.

Dr. TastiBerry or how I learned to stop worrying and love elitist ice cream

2008-03-20T17:49:00.004-04:00

Back in the 90's* Ben & Jerry's was pretty fancy. Skeptics questioned: Do we really need this many objects in our dessert? The people answered: Yes. And it was expensive at more than 5 bucks a pint. Today I can buy my fair share of Oatmeal Cookie Chunk and Chubby Hubby at the corner bodega in Queens. It's pretty accessible, still a little overpriced, but I think I can even swing a pint for less than a 5 spot nowadays.

Our obsession with ice cream toppings or "mix-ins" was furthered with the gimmicky Cold Stone Creamery. Proving that ice cream consumers like their already soft ice cream mashed up more by a stranger before consumption.

And then America decided it was hip to be healthy. And then I came to New York where private-school-produced-prissy-pants dragged me to hip low calorie! yogurt joints and I reluctantly dragged along the sidewalk willingly.

My first experience with this was Tasti-D-Lite. Health-wise, I get the impression it's like eating air or Tic Tacs. And they have a long list of crazy exotic flavors like White Russian and Marzipan.

I thought this froyo was pretty hoighty toighty, but oh man... it gets worse.

"Have you heard of Pinkberry?"
"Actually yes. From 'The Hills.'"

Tasti-D-Lite is NYC based and PinkBerry is LA. Analysts attribute this rift as a likely factor in the deaths of Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G.

This frozen dessert is quite controversial. I mentioned Pinkberry to a friend yesterday and he pronounced his distaste for the stuff using many an F word. My first Pinkberry was with coworkers who insisted I try it at lunch. They spoke of it as some kind of orgasmic low-calorie miracle cure for AIDS. My immediate reaction after eating it: That was my entire lunch?

And also, what is it? No one can tell you. I'm only reminded of a 1992 Saturday Night Live sketch, "That's Not Yogurt" with Victoria Jackson and Kevin Nealon. They don't know what they're eating, they only know it's not yogurt.

I hate to mention the elephant in the room but the name somehow sounds a little sexual. An informal G-chat survey proves I'm not the only one who thinks this.

*OK I know it was founded in 1978, but we're talking about the cultural zeitgeist and I'm only 23!

Love is like antioxidants

2008-03-18T17:35:00.006-04:00

Dear Food Blog,
The media are yelling at me about how great antioxidants are. But, what are they?
-Curious

Dear Curious,
Antioxidants are the new terrorism. It’s just a fancy buzzword for what we used to call things like Vitamin C. Or, if we get down on our hands and knees and examine the etymology of the word, we see that it says "anti" – against, and "oxidant" – oxidation or exposure to oxygen. So apparently we want to eat things that prevent oxidation. Why? Well just look at what happened to Lady Liberty. Years of oxidation have made her green and crusty.

Love,
The floggers

Do you have a food question? Email us! thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

Let’s get saucy!

2008-03-17T16:40:00.002-04:00

Condiments have an explicit function as defined by society’s strict expectations—used sparingly as a compliment to food for spreading, dipping, dashing, squirting, etc. And NEVER eaten alone. We all know the “proper” way to eat condiments, but how many people break the rules?

Do you suck on ketchup packets like they’re full of sweet nectar? Do you ladle nacho cheese directly onto your cat? Do you fill a kiddie pool with ranch dressing and have an ultimate wrestling showdown? Tell us about it! Please!

The Food Blog wants to know: What’s your condiment guilty pleasure?

I’ll tell you my hedonistic condiment eating ritual. I dump some chocolate chips into a cup and eat them with a peanut butter-covered spoon. I also vaguely recall, maybe kinda, sorta squirting smiley faces of whipped cream onto the floor and having my dog lick them up.

And Michelle eats sticks of butter.

Jamaican me hungry

2008-03-15T17:07:00.004-04:00

I think it’s high time we took pause for a moment to think about something that’s really been on my heart and mind recently—Jamaican meat pies.

I’m always a little ashamed of my strolls down the frozen food aisle. They say that, when shopping, you should stay around the edge of the grocery store in the produce and deli sections, avoiding the processed foods. But we live in this modern age of pre prepped food; it would be a slap in the face to progress if I ignored that and prepared meals from scratch. Plus I’m lazy.

I admit a lot of the stuff you find in the frozen section is frightening and/or over priced. I usually just come away with large amounts of bagel bites and edamame. But in an attempt to branch out I discovered frozen Jamaican meat pies from a company called Tower Isle, apparently “a leading mass producer of Jamaican patties,” according to Gabriella Gershenson of the New York Press.

These delicious little golden crescents are fabulous. The crusts are flaky and the meat tastes real and not pretend. When you bite into one, out comes a puff of steam and the faint sound of reggae. Gimme that blood clot beef turnover!

With the exception of hot pockets, my experience with entrapped meat has been generally positive.

Are you a good witch or a sandwich?

2008-03-14T12:02:00.004-04:00

Dear Food Blog,

How do you make the perfect sandwich?

-The Sand Witch

Dear Sand Witch,

The art of making the perfect sandwich is really an act of self love. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Sandwiches have been the talk of the nation since Esquire published its article on The Best Sandwiches in America. (And those sandwiches were subsequently served in the Hearst cafeteria this week.)

A lot of people err in making the right sandwich by just slapping things onto bread and hoping for the best. American cheese, abusive relationships, cocaine—none of this belongs on a sandwich, stupid.

When you start respecting yourself, then, and only then can you make a sandwich that’s truly delicious and satisfying. Fresh, soft whole grain honey white bread, turkey, swiss, dijon mustard, tomatoes, pepper, and a drop of vinegar—these items make one sweet, forbidden symphony of a sandwich.

Also, please release Princess Sparkle from your sandy, dessert lair.

Love,
The Food Bloggers

Do you have a question about food? Email us! thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

Banana fanna fo fug, me my mo mug-- Doug!

2008-03-07T13:34:00.002-05:00

Secrets out! My name rhymes with banana, a delicious, phallic fruit. Point being-- sometimes people's names remind us of food. An anonymous source told me she corresponds with a man named Doug. Every time she sees his name, she associates it with dough and consequently thinks, "Mmm cookie dough." I passed along the brilliant suggestion-- start calling him Cookie Doug. To his face. She politely declined.

Turn your head and coffee

2008-03-03T13:26:00.004-05:00

I'm so overly caffeinated right now I'm not even sure I can create a coherent blog entry. I feel so ashamed that I obviously learned nothing from arguably the most memorable and intense episode of Saved by the Bell: Jessie's "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so so scared" caffeine addiction. I am a recovering caffeine addict myself. I started drinking coffee when I was in second grade. I guess that seems kind of young, but my parents really like coffee and took me on tours of coffee farms so it just kind of happened. It's not like it was always LSD and orgies. But just a quick glance at a maybe/maybe not credible Wikipedia entry on caffeine makes caffeine look real scary.

I'm led to believe that a huge percentage of the population drinks coffee every morning. I'm also led to believe (by Wikipedia) that millions of coffee drinkers have been enslaved by a horrible demon who haunts their dreams every night with images of pure evil. This, I try to avoid. But on the train this morning, during the most intense Willy-Wonky-scary-boat-ride-esque segment of the N/W line between Queensboro Plaza and Lexington Avenue, everyone on the train had coffee and it smelled so good. I had to have it. And then there are the bonus perks-- with Starbucks in hand everyone could see that I was A) very important and B) in a hurry. But I regret this decision now as my heartbeat is faster than that of a pancake at a lumberjack convention, if pancakes had hearts and the ability to feel fear. And I'm running around the office with a toy fire truck asking everyone to play with me while throwing Cheerios. Here's to cautionary examples.

Happy Birthdanna, Joanna

2008-03-02T19:44:00.003-05:00

It is indeed Joanna's seventh birthday. To celebrate her many years of social anxiety and unrestrained charm, I've scoured our food blog to present some of her most useful observations of food.

-No matter how delicious or precious the food/drink you are consuming may seem, licking it off the steering wheel while driving is always a bad idea.

-It’s always good to have some American cheese on hand just in case you need it, like a first aid kit. In fact, you should keep American cheese in your first aid kit.

-If you’re that worried about food contaminates, perhaps it’s time to purchase a hybrid car and hold free yoga classes inside of it for all the members of your farming commune.

-There simply isn't enough tryptophan in the turkey you ate for you to feel a drowsy effect. What you're experiencing is the drowsiness that comes from stuffing your face.

-Pour yourself a glass of half & half, add some ice cubes (or crushed if you prefer), and I assume you’ve made ice cream.

-If you’re craving something a toddler would eat, just ignore it. And go ingest something that a toddler doesn’t eat. Like strained peas or some scotch.

Joanna, these suggestions are 67 percent of the reason I love you, and the reason I would marry you if it were legal and if even the slightest whiff of sexual attraction existed between you and I.

Happy day of birth!

Cheese debate in your face

2008-02-26T15:00:00.005-05:00

Today the floggers take sides in a debate on a controversial subject that affects billions of people worldwide. How much cheese belongs on a sandwich?

Cheese got me on my knees beggin' please baby please
A sandwich with too much cheese lurks in the realm of Santa Claus, unicorns, and Eskimos. It simply does not exist. You can't put too much cheese on a sandwich. You can't! I love that feeling of biting into cheese on top of cheese. A proper delicious sandwich should be stacked. It's gotta be like a lasagna, or the earth's crust, or the depths of my personality. Layers, baby, it's about layers. Can I get a Amen?

Of course I'm talking about a deli sandwich with real cheese. If you're ladling nacho cheese onto a sandwich at Arby's or stacking slimy American "cheese" onto greasy burgers or squirting Cheeze Whiz into your mouthz, then all proclamations of cheese infinity are void.
-j

Double queso? Aw, hail no
Like mascara and the Clinton family, less is more when it comes to dairy. Too much cheese on pizzas and sandwiches makes me gag.

Maybe it's the smell or the sometimes-curdled or too soft look that makes me queasy over cheesy, or maybe it's the fact that, actually, cheese is mold.

Double cheese can be devastating to an otherwise desirable meal.

Moreover, I don't want to eat anything that can sit in the sun for eight hours and not make me puke up my freaking bloody guts. And I especially don't want anything like that on my perfectly good deli sandwiches.

Brie end.
-m

We all scream for death cream

2008-01-22T14:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Food Blog,
Do you know any good recipes for homemade ice cream?
Respectfully,
Cream Craver

Dear Craver,

We here at the food blog commend your moxie, chutzpa, and other funny words for so blatantly going against the health obsessed grain we find in our society. Do you own a motorcycle? It sounds like you enjoy living dangerously because ice cream, much like cigarettes and alligators, will kill you. But if you’re willing to look past that I have a recipe for you. I’ve never made ice cream before but who needs a cookbook when you’ve got logic? Pour yourself a glass of half & half, add some ice cubes (or crushed if you prefer), and I assume you’ve made ice cream. Enjoy!

Do you have a question about food? Any question at all! Just email us: thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

It takes 1200 calories and 63 grams of fat to kill a colony of evil gnomes

2008-01-15T11:56:00.000-05:00

I’m piggybacking on Michelle’s fast food shame. I didn’t have a New Year’s resolution to eat a more healthful diet. (I just have the same resolutions I have every year—Listen to more Fleetwood Mac and stay out of prison.)

I simply avoid mass produced triple bypass snacks instinctually as daily survival, the will to live. But yesterday something inside of me snapped. A deep bottomless-pit-hunger seized my midsection. Gnomes were using pick hammers to mine precious gemstones inside my stomach. I couldn’t just allow this to happen, could I?

I craved that greasy, physically ill feeling only fast food could provide.

And then one of my friends G chatted me up about a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. He used all the hot buzz words—cheesy, melty, crunchy. Surely there was a Taco Bell somewhere in Manhattan! But I didn’t have time to look! The gnomes! Right across the street was a closer, even greasier establishment. (I once dissed them in a live freestyle rap battle, so I won’t name them again.)

I didn’t really know what I was ordering. I just picked something random from the menu that looked like this:

After eating 1/3 of this burger I didn’t really feel like a person anymore as the grease danced around my insides. But there was no turning back. I picked off all the bacon, scraped off the cheese and asked, “Why did I do this to myself?” I’m pretty sure the gnomes are dead now. Mission accomplished.

kentucky fried pride

2008-01-14T21:38:00.000-05:00

2008 was supposed to be the year I ceased my intake of unnecessarily greasy and fatty foods. I told myself Dec. 31 that the only food purchased through a window from a teen with two-inch spacers and rosacea I would eat is Subway. I wanted even those sandwiches few and far between, as I'd bring PBJs and fresh oranges from home for my worktime lunch.

It was an entire two weeks before I drove to the Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-thru and ordered shame.

Actually I ordered a crispy chicken "Snacker" and a side of mashed potatoes. It was mixing with my stomach bile within eight minutes.

I noticed a spot of gravy on my pants later in the afternoon -- a savory reminder of my failed attempt at a healthful diet. But that gravy spot also looked like a silhouette of the Blessed Mother, so I will probably get $400 for it on eBay.

Do they sell cholesterol medicine on eBay?

Commander in cheese biscuit

2008-01-06T00:57:00.000-05:00

As we roll through the primaries, endorsements are flying left and right like flapjacks at a lumberjack convention. We, as a food blog, are giving an endorsement so the voters can know who to turn to for the food-related issues that really matter in this election.

The Food Blog endorses… Breakfast.

Mom and Eggo commercials are right when they say the morning meal is the most important. It maintains metabolism and helps us concentrate on our mid-day piano recitals and county commissioner meetings. Most importantly, many of our favorite foods are from the conventional breakfast food family: eggs, pancakes, waffles, pastries in general, salty meats, any and all breads, maple syrup and citrus fruits.

Just check out this PSA from 1992 that displays the importance of breakfast.

Pancakes. French toast. Waffles. That’s at least three different things you can put syrup on all in one meal category. What can you put syrup on at dinner? Mashed potatoes? NY strip steak? Sure, you can put syrup on those things, but I’ll see you in hell.

It's my lunchbreak and I'll blog if I want to.

2008-01-02T15:01:00.001-05:00

OH, lunchtime. For some it’s a mid-day visit to the Zen “spa” in Soho. For others it's a delightful beacon of mid-day hope and nourishment, especially if you’re a working stiff like me.
It was “International Mexico” day in the cafeteria. Let’s just say a fiesta with a mariachi band comprised entirely of chicken nachos is making its way through my digestive tract. See the sombrero?

Berry crisp-mas

2007-12-25T14:19:00.000-05:00

**Below is a piece originally published in the newspaper I report for as, like, my job. Its lack of cursing and/or innuendo will throw you off, so please keep in mind its author's intended audience was the citizens of a small Indiana town. Oh, and, Merry Christmas, fatties.

With every holiday season comes a series of articles from otherwise reputable news sources on how to avoid overeating and gaining "that holiday weight."
Only an uncritical reader can consume these articles with even an ounce of sincerity, as virtually the same "tips" and suggestions are offered year after year.

And, more than being stale, the "helpful hints" are often excruciatingly obvious (stick with the veggie tray!) or condescending (focus on talking with people rather than browsing the buffet, you fleshy embarrassment!).
"Facts" about seasonal weight gain accompany some of the articles, like one this year from an Avon, Colo., newspaper that suggests many Americans will "gain an estimated seven pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day."
But that figure and others like it are remarkably exaggerated, suggests a recent study from the New England Journal of Medicine. One pound, it's reported, is really the average weight gain of the season.
According to Christie Ferriell, a registered dietitian at Reid Hospital, 3,500 calories make up a pound.
That's equal to about 30 palm-sized cookies or 9 turkey and cheese sandwiches.
In other words, one has to eat an awful lot to actually gain weight in a few weeks, so these articles are likely more effective in panicking readers than helping them plan ahead.
Furthermore, women are often the targets of these inept exposes. A piece from CNN suggests that party-goers "wear a form fitting dress or tight skirt or pants" so they feel compelled to consume less. Don't embarrass yourselves by eating, ladies!
Ugh.
Maybe I take these articles personally because I love food. The chocolatey, cheesy, alcoholic treats at parties make them worthwhile for me.
Last year I counted eating 10 barbecued mini hot dogs at one party. That was a memorable night of indigestion. (FB readers, this was originally "a memorable night in the bathroom," but editor thought people may find that rather disgusting -- which, absolutely, it is.)
Still, I don't usually overdo it, and when it comes to being "smart" about enjoying treats, I make up my own rules.
For one, I eat whatever sounds good to me, but I stop when I feel nearly full. And then I'm done for the night. Listen to your body -- it likely knows what's going to satisfy your appetite and when you need to stop. (I guess this rule goes out only to generally healthy people -- if you have diabetes or heart disease, talk to your doctor, not a 22-year-old preoccupied by artichoke dip.)
Also, I've been strength training for the last year and half, which really just means I utilize daily the dumbbells and a resistance rope in my room. It's nice because I have the privacy of my own space to do these workouts, and after even 15 minutes of curls and sit-ups my muscles feel firm and my blood is pumping.
I might do an extra mini workout on days I know I have unlimited access to sugar cream pie and pizza rounds, but even just a half- mile walk outside is better than nothing. Exercise fuels weight management.
But in the interest of avoiding hypocrisy, my "tips" will end there. If I have any meaningful holiday advice to offer, it is to enjoy yourself. Even if you eat 10 weenies.
After all, if you have a celebration to attend and people's company to enjoy, you've done something right along the way.
And maybe for just this month, gaining a pound is acceptable -- if you had a ton of fun doing it.

Happy Franksgiving

2007-11-22T12:16:00.000-05:00

The food blog must acknowledge a holiday in which, well, food is the main attraction. Today, hundreds of thousands of families in the United States will enjoy turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, polygamy and pie.

So:

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for Democratic presidential candidates, Velcro sneakers and spray tans.

Will blog 4 food

2007-11-07T00:12:00.000-05:00

You know what I had for dinner tonight? Ramen and wedding cake. You know what I brought to work for lunch on Monday? Canned peas and wedding cake.

I have to be creative with my meals becuase I don't have a lot of money. I'm running low on money because I spent $3,000 on a custom wedding cake. Hey man, when the craving hits, it hits.

If you want to send me food or have any ideas/recipes for how I could eat cheaply (that don't involve prostitution), please email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com.

Pop(ular)-tarts

2007-10-09T21:55:00.000-04:00

The sweet pink frosting that sparkles with a candy coating. The buttery golden brown crust. The fruity center that transforms into gloriously hot lava after just seconds in the toaster.

I love Pop-tarts as much as Iraqi citizens love the thought of having electricity and running water. Maybe more.

And why the glittery hell wouldn't I? It has served as a consistently delicioius and convenient to-go snack with the vitamins of a cupcake (niacin, B12-007-r, nothing) throughout my 264-month life. My mother used to send me to charm school with Pop-tarts in a lambskin satchel from my Granny Golenbeauski's meerkat farm.

Uninterestingly, I prefer the pastry not for breakfast, as promoted in its marketing, but instead as an afternoon or midnight treat. The latter is especially depressing.

My favorite flavors are Cherry or S'mores. My least favorite are Celery and Mitt Romney.

The ULTIMATE granola bar showdown

2007-09-27T00:32:00.000-04:00

Granola bars—are they a supreme food beamed directly from heaven’s snack pantry or evil devil sticks that give you syphilis? Below the floggers debate the issue.

Michelle says...

Granola BARen't you having one?

Why granola bars are good and therefore also why my argument is inherently superior to Joanna's:

1. Even the least healthy granola bars - those with chocolate chunks and high amounts of sugar – contain some amount of fiber and protein, which work to sustain appetite and promote bowel regularity.
2. Kashi Company CEO, supplier of whole grain and sesame cereals and bars, is bff with Jesus.
3. Granola bars are convenient. The majority of varieties are individually wrapped and a more healthy option than equally convenient snackeroos like fruit gummy snacks or candy bars.
4. Their deliciousness stems from their versatility …they can be sweet or salty, containing nuts, paper clips, seeds, and/or Mercury's moons.
5. Babies can eat them.

Joanna says...

Just say GraNOla.

Take a look at granola in its original loose 'n' crunchy state. Why would anyone look at that and say, "I want this to be made into a hardened, solid stick?" For convenience? I wish lots of things were more convenient, but I don't want them in a stick. Deodorant? Yes. Food? No. Take the Internet, for example. People wanted to be able to take that around in the palm of their hand, so they created smart phones. But have you ever tried eating a smart phone? Quite frankly, they taste horrible, with the exception of the Blackberry.

1. Granola bars are made of bird seed and birds poop on my car.
2. The KKK would often put two granola bars perpendicular to each other to form a cross and light them on fire as a scare tactic of oppression.
3. The last of the now extinct Pygmy Mammoth died after choking on a granola bar.
4. Nothing rhymes with "granola bar" so you can't write limericks about them.
5. Babies are stupid.

The best food in life is free

2007-09-25T14:25:00.000-04:00

At work this morning I walked into the ambiguous office-eating-nook (I can't call it a break room because I don't work in a strip mall.) to find free bags of Doritos. I gleefully grabbed some, but on the way to my desk my co-workers shot me piercing, judgmental looks because I held in my hand inedible filth. Or maybe it was because I brought in my historical Nazi paraphernalia collection. Whatever.

If I could afford a decadent breakfast of tofu squares* and fish oil, surely I would eat it instead. But alas, I am a devout follower of the church of free food. The way we worship our divine deity is by consuming it whenever possible. If you walk away from free food, you walk one step closer to eternal damnation.

Of course, I'm not immune to the junk food stigma. A co-worker brought a box of doughnuts over to my cubicle one morning and my first thought was, "You expect me to put that toxic waste into my body?" I think I ate like three.

*I thought you might like to know that instead of "tofu squares" I initially typed "tofu scares" which sounds like a great, health-conscious treat for trick-or-treaters. If I had Photoshop on my work computer, you know I'd draw a scary face on some tofu, maybe give it some fangs, etc. Oh, HELLO Paint.

For sale or runt

2007-08-25T11:39:00.000-04:00

Candy has been an important part of my life recently.

Wrong.

Candy has ALWAYS BEEN an important part of my life.

Recently, though, I've the time and the capital to attain sugary confections whenever I please.

I've made it my business to always have candy, in some form, at my fingertips for at least 80 percent of my day. To you this may sound sad and unhealthy. It is.

Still, hours of candy shopping have resulted in distinct and meticulous taste. I prefer the "theater box candy," as many discount chain stores call them. These (at least) 7-ounce boxes last the better part of 10 days, depending on how many of my single-digit-aged relatives uninvitingly dispense a handful for themselves.

Yesterday I purchased a box like this of Wonka's Runts. The new flavors, pineapple and mango, intrigued me more than Madonna's deflating career.

Everyone knows the only good runts are the bananas and strawberries.

Disappointingly, I've discovered that's still the case.

do the (micro)WAVE!!!

2007-08-23T14:01:00.001-04:00

For one year this was my microwave. It is also a time machine.

Plantain in the membrane

2007-08-19T17:16:00.000-04:00

There aren't many things you can't fry up and turn into a snack food. I'm just looking around the room right now--coffee table, kitty cat, Robert Redford/Barbara Streisand--all these things could be delicious snacks if prepared the right way.

I moved to NYC yesterday and today I experienced my first trip to the grocery store. I got the essentials--plantain chips. I expected them to taste like bananas. I'm so ashamed. They actually taste similar to potato chips. But they're healthier. I compaired the nutrition stats of plantain chips to my roomie Brittany's regular potato chips. Potato chips have 150 more mg of sodium per serving than plantain chips.

Of course if you like things salty (like Brittany who put something back at the store BECAUSE it said "low sodium") then you might want to frequent your neighborhood salt lick.

Slow down; I can't ketchup!

2007-08-19T16:42:00.000-04:00

I had a one-month stint as a waitress in West Lafayette, Indiana. Which is great if you like fast cash and suicidal thoughts. I learned a lot about people and their twisted food desires. The wholesome people of Indiana will literally smack you in the mouth if you place any potato product in front of them without immediately providing ketchup. And lots of it.

On one of my many trips back to the kitchen to fetch the sacred tomato-based condiment (after being smacked in the mouth, of course) I heard one customer call it "Indiana gravy." So the neighborhood children don't cover their slip'n'slides with ketchup in other states?

Arbeast's

2007-08-07T21:01:00.000-04:00

Today.

Lunchtime.

Arby's?

Beef 'n Cheddar.

Delicious!

Regret.

Bathroom.

Nutella ... not baduh!

2007-07-20T13:13:00.000-04:00

Upon a return from the Wal-Mart Supercenter less than a mile from our humble home in SexistFatPeople, Indiana, my mom/landlord unearthed a special surprise: Nutella.

The spread, with a consistency of creamy peanut butter, is described on its unassuming 13 oz jar as a "hazelnut spread with skim milk & cocoa." While I know nothing about nuts, the hazel variety has swept me off my feet, at least in this condensed, partially-hydrogenated form.

What to do with the spread was a problem initially. Spread it on crackers? Shampoo my dog? Cut myself with paperclips and assassinate King Phillip? The difficulty of the decision is intensified by the idea that Nutella isn't something you eat as the base of a meal, unless you're Pam (see butter pound cake thisisafoodblog.com entry). Indeed it's something one adds to a bread-like item to enhance its flavor tenfold. I've been putting it on English muffins, bagels and glue sticks. It's chocolatey taste warms my entire body and helps me make important decisions about property tax relief options.

Happy Birthday.

Wendy's v. the Board of Education

2007-07-09T12:51:00.000-04:00

I know I'm not the only person to go to Wendy's on a hot summer day in hot pursuit of a Frosty. I know I'm not the only person who had a huge problem last August when the Wendy's corporation put a dead ferret in charge of its menu and came up with "the vanilla Frosty."

"Chocolate Frosty." That's a redundancy.

"Vanilla Frosty." That's more than a contradiction. That's a disgusting bastardization of something we've known and loved since 1969. "Vanilla Frosty" makes Dave Thomas roll over in his grave at 600 RPM.

I didn't say anything about this abomination a year ago because, while I disagreed with "vanilla Frosty" in principle, its existence didn't really affect me.

That is... until yesterday. I ordered a chocolate Frosty at the drive-thru.

"We're out of chocolate."

WHAT?

As if that wasn't bad enough, the punk had the audacity to ask "is vanilla OK?"

Are you kidding? Is genocide OK?

A case study in travel snacks: gas station pound cake

2007-06-30T17:37:00.000-04:00

I enjoy adventure and traveling, but I may be an anomaly among many of my energetic twentysomething peers in that I dislike long road trips. I hate to miss out on substantial amounts of sleep and my bowels become irregular and angry on excursions longer than 8 hours.

Still, the one aspect that makes road journeys tolerable, pleasurable and exciting, even, are visits to roadside snack shops, which are often the convenience stores near gas pumps. Those treasure chests of fountain drinks and individually-wrapped salty or sweet snacks are a haven for the car-phobic, food-obsessed like me. You can't go wrong with a bag of Chili-Cheese Fritos and 20 oz. Diet Coke. Hostess donettes (6-pack) and Vanilla Nesquick can serve as a tranquilizer to bitter child travelers. And who can deny the explicit joys of a Nerds Rope and Orange Sunkist. Not this girl!

But on my most recent trip, to North Carolina with my snack-loving family, my brother-in-law emerged from a convenience store during a roadside stop with a treat that blew my mind apart.

Its very presence took my breath away. Pictured here is the 4.5 oz., 450-calorie ridden cake from "The Brownie Baker," surely a disappointing knockoff of Little Debbie and other well-respected snack cake distributors.

But what was remarkable about this cake, at least for me and equally food-literate sister, was the invisible but obviously present stigma surrounding its buttery crust.

Perhaps because of its large size, its unpopular brand name and/or its presence near stale coffee in the store from which it came, my sister and I knew that, usually, this cake was eaten only by 47 year old women named Pam who've given up on life. They buy it quickly and put it in their sad brown purses until they get home and devour it in their dark basement on a floral sofa before a rerun of Home Improvement.

It's really sad to think about. Pam is really sad.

My brother in law did the right thing, though, by taking the cake home and cutting into eighths, as pictured above. Everyone in the family partook, and we all agreed it was dry.

Brother in law claims it was the grinning, elf-like man on the cake's package that motivated the purchase.

No one believes him.

They want you, they want you in the gravy

2007-06-15T22:51:00.000-04:00

Food Blog,
Is it appropriate to pair cheese with gravy?

Dear Reader,
Our first instinct when answering this question was to simply say, "No." However, we have to consider all dining situations. If you find yourself at KFC, for example, it is not only appropriate but encouraged to pair absolutely anything with gravy.

Do you have a food-related question? Email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

rice Fakes??

2007-06-08T13:52:00.000-04:00

Unbelievable.
I've recently encountered a snack that is not only chocolatey and sweet enough to pass as a satisfying dessert, but that also won't blow a hole in your small intestine. Indeed, Quaker Chocolate Rice Cakes are surprisingly rich and tasty. The chocolate taste isn't that which you get from, say, a chocolate twizzler. The aftertaste from one of those is worse than the spiced antelope tongue I had at my mother's 16th birthday party. You know what I mean.
No, the rice cakes offer a light but crunchy and satisfying texture with a real chocolate taste. The best part is it's only 60 calories and one fat gram per 8 mini cakes, or for one normal size. This is good news for Chinese dictator Jiang Zemin, and skinny bitches.

Try 'em out. And, Quaker, I assume my check for doing your PR is in my butt.

Take care, dear readers.

F to the I to the BERLICIOUS

2007-04-24T00:04:00.000-04:00

Some treats I've only recently stumbled upon are Quaker's Oatmeal To Go. Put them in the microwave for a second and they taste like a brownie. They're full of fiber and dishwasher liquid, too, so one needn't feel "guilt" after eating, say, four in one day. I did.

I also stole school supplies from Iraqi war orphans and then sold them for money to get breast implants and I don't feel guilt.

Chicken Souvlaki: or how I ordered a pita with a funny name

2007-04-03T02:08:00.000-04:00

It was half past noon, the lunching hour. Some friends convinced me to go to the Pita Pit. Generally, when I'm looking for a delicious meal, I don't go to a pit, but...whatryagonnado? Once inside the pit, I was face-to-face with a new menu of pitas. I ordered the Chicken Souvlaki because it sounded ethnic and fun to say.

"What's Chicken Souvlaki?" my friends asked. I didn't know.

Upon eating it, I'm still not sure what souvlaki means. The dictionary says it's a noun in Greek cookery. The definitions include "a dish similar to shish kebab made with lamb" and "made of lamb." That doesn't make any damn sense.

I got this white sauce on my pita and it had a funny name, too. It sounded like Suzuki, but I'm pretty sure that's wrong. Tzatziki, that's it. I remember because my friend Zack said he liked it so much, his new name could be Tzat-zack-i. ...or maybe I said that.

PB and JCPenney

2007-03-13T03:35:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile. But just as the old saying goes, if you really love something you're supposed to let it go, and if it comes back to you, you owe it a PBJ.

But I'm not really hungry right now.

Instead I seek to infotain loyal Flog readers with detailed descriptions of the food items that have dominated my diet the past couple of months. At the grocery store yesterday it occurred to me that I buy the same things repeatedly, with little variation in flavors and brands. Is it not essential, then, that I share?

Bling it up:

1. Kashi cereal: Recently my favorite has been the "Good Friends: Cinna-Raisin Crunch" variety. This comes in a deep purple box featuring the shining faces of two very regular and, therefore, very happy, senior citizens. At first I, a sophisticated and, let's just say it, remarkably attractive twentysomething, felt out of place buying this fiber-rich cereal, marketed for people twice, triple my age. Still, my bowels are more important to me than my image in Kroger. And the plump raisins and just-sweet-enough fiber twigs in the cereal make for a hearty breakfast.

2. Amy's Organic Bean Burritos: Upon coming across this selection I can understand that readers may peg me as one of them there hippie vegan folk. On the other hand, I don't even know what it means to be vegan. I like these because yes, they are low in calories and fat but still high in fiber and protein, but also because they don't taste like sawdust. This isn't comparable to Taco Bell (unfortunately) in taste and (fortunately) in nutrition, but it makes for a satisfying midday pick-me-up. Lunch, if you will.

3. Peanut butter: Peanut butter, all brands of it, are not only affordable, but a jar of it traditionally lasts a single person more than seven years. It's good protein and easily used as a dip for, say, carrots or skittles or, of course, as a spread for a sandwich. Also good for use during foreplay.
Oh, hey mom ... forgot you read this.

And stay away from Peter Pan brand, you have babies with three eyes if you eat it, or something.

4. Morning Star Garden Veggie Patties: I promise I'm not a vegetarian. Still, these burger-like products account for two servings of vegetables and they're sufficiently filling. At least that's what it says on the box. And I always trust my box.

Please don't get me wrong. I enjoy greasy, fatty, artery-clogging foods (and men) as much as you do. I just don't eat them unless I'm drunk.

The Sad Salisbury Steak Story

2007-02-01T16:24:00.000-05:00

Note: This is a guest entry from Nina studying abroad in London, England.

There's something to say about foods named after cities. The Hamburger of Germany, the Noodles of Shanghai, and of course the classic Philly Cheesesteak. I'd mention the "French" Fry, but first, that's not a city, and second, it's called a chip in England anyway.

Well, my dear friendly food-a-holics, I am going to reveal the untold story of the Salisbury Steak. On an organized student trip to Stone Henge, I was happily awaiting my day filled with eerie tales of stones and Druids.

Then...yes, THEN, they gave me a flyer announcing that only half the day was to acquaint with my new pet rocks and the rest was enjoying Salisbury, England... home of the a forenamed steak! My A4 sized sheet of paper boasted about the glories I would find in the mystery meat dish.

Leslie, from LA, questioned "What...what IS a Salisbury steak?" Obviously, there was shock and horror from the Midwesterners. Wisconsin-Nick drew an imaginary matrix in the air diagramming the hamburger, beef steak, and meatloaf. A little grossed out, I was still kind of excited to try a local dish that wasn't baked beans on toast (and that my friend is for a WHOLE separate flog entry).

We arrived in this small little town and I swear to you, we must have teleported to Sandwich in Kent England, because that's all we could find to eat! The steak was no where to be found. I'm left disgusted with the weak effort they put in to draw tourists. I can confidently declare this is the worst small town with a lame claim to fame ...ever. If you're in England, skip the trip to Salisbury, unless you are looking for the 4th Earl of Sandwich.

Weeks o' treats

2007-01-02T19:26:00.000-05:00

Because I am a college student and one of them there dem-o-crats, I am in the midst of what I call "winter break." That is, three weeks off to engorge myself in delicious homebaked food, dodge high school peer encounters and draw thousands of requested pink castles for baby nieces.

Of course, the food is the highlight. And not only am I responsible, but I am obligated to share some of the highlights.

What Michelle digested from 12/20 - 12/31
the best of

1. peppermint bark: made by illiterate sister. White chocolate and crunched candy canes topped with dark chocolate and broken up into little pieces. Not only a delicious candy, but also an effective treatment for bunions full of puss.

2. meatballs: made by diabetic uncle. Big balls (laugh it up, 12 year olds) of ground beef in a mild barbecue sauce with a hint of Chinese symbol tattoo. I had seven.

3. macaroni and cheese: made by disillusioned aunt. We're not talking Kraft dinner here. We're talking mountains of elbow noodles smothered in Velveeta and colby cheeses. Great alone but better on twentysomething businessmen.

4. pizza hors'deurves: made by sexually-liberated cousin. Why pizza is involved in the name, I know not. This delicious snack has nothing to do with red sauce and mozzarella on handtossed dough. Spicy ground beef and cheeses baked atop mini rye bread slices shine in this snack, cute to talk about and eat. Best paired with beer or argyle socks.

5. honeybaked ham: prepared by wonderful, smart, anemic momma. One can't go wrong with ham, unless he or she is Jewish. I like it alongside mashed potatoes and Wal-Mart's California veggie mix, or inside of a bread item. The latter is what the Maori tribe of New Zealand might call a "sandwich."

I hope your food intake the past two weeks has been at least half as good as my own. And I hope you didn't know personally Gerald Ford.

Hamburger help me Ronda

2007-01-02T14:52:00.000-05:00

Last night I got a craving for something cheesy and gooey. So I went to the “meal helper” isle of the grocery store and purchased this:

Hamburger helper microwave singles—cheesy lasagna flavor. “Meat included!”

Only one word could do this food item justice: revolting. In all seriousness, as I was microwaving this single-serving abomination, my mother thought the smell was coming from the cat’s litter box.

I’ll be honest, I got my cheesy, gooey food craving after watching an episode of Supernanny. Some troublesome toddlers were having dinner and their food looked really good, in a cheesy, gooey, unidentifiable sort of way.

The lesson I learned: If you’re craving something a toddler would eat, just ignore it. And go ingest something that a toddler doesn’t eat. Like strained peas or some scotch.

The thing about baked goods is...

2006-12-10T16:10:00.000-05:00

When you're double-fisting baked goods like this cupcake pictured here, it's hard to open the door. No, let me rephrase. If both your hands are grasping cupcakes, you can't open a door, at least not with your hands. Please, be careful this holiday season.

Wiener whiner

2006-12-10T13:50:00.000-05:00

Hark! The time of year to celebrate the birth of saviors with loved ones, to sing carols to unwilling strangers and to seriously consider polygamy is upon us.
Yes, it's the holiday season. And for many in the United States, that means waving sandwiches in front of the poor. And attending parties with delicious snack attacks.

Probably the most remarkable traditional holiday goodies are baby wieners in sauces one uses toothpicks to eat.

Like these:

Now, while these snack pellets are delicious and offer some nutritional benefits in the form of protein and healthy platelets, they can be unsatisfying to hungry people. For example, I was hungry for men at the party where these were present, and I had to eat 18 tiny sausages before I felt vomitously full (my perpetual goal after meals).

Foods not unlike this are mini muffins, brownie bites, grapes, M&M's and buttons.

It's not that these foods should be abandoned from our diets or ostracized from society. What I do think is that they should be mixed with a heavy alfredo sauce before eaten, so that they are more filling to a ravenous consumer. Afredo sauce is not only nourishing, but also a wonderful way to soften skin in the bath with a lover.

Hammy Holidays!

I'm a sucker for cell phone pics

2006-12-05T18:01:00.000-05:00

Do you ever find that lollipops look like super heroes?

Pulp non-fiction

2006-11-28T17:57:00.000-05:00

When I drink orange juice, I like to have things floating in it. By things I mean chocolate chips, mini plastic boats, wolf/dreamcatcher T-shirts or, of course, the fleshy part of a citrus fruit:
PULP.

There is an unfortunate perception that most people like to withhold baby bodies of fruits inside of their beverages. Growing up, even my mother would usually buy "No Pulp" OJ Simpson.
Some pulp playa hatas say they resent the texture pulp gives their juice; others deny the Holocaust ever happened.

It is obvious to the Food blog that hatred of pulp stems largely from its lack of representation not only in American politics, but also in the mainstream media. Probably if more people understood the complexity and diversity that pulp is, they could learn to love having it digest in their bodies.

The word pulp, of course, refers to any mass of soft tissue. I'll bet you need to blow your nose now.

There'll be bluebirds over my Thanksgiving leftovers

2006-11-25T16:14:00.000-05:00

Two days post Turkey Day and it's time to talk about leftovers. First I'll brief you on my family's Thanksgiving. But unlike Michelle, I won't include filthy lies. I know the flog readers aren't impressed by how many species of dog my family ingests during the holidays. After handing out the small pox blankets we ate the following:

turkey
stuffing
yams
mashed potatoes
green bean casserole
noodles
a canned cranberry log (why, God, why?!?!?!??!)
rolls

I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh yes, Cool Whip. I think there might've been pumpkin pie under there somewhere, but who really knows for sure?

Speaking of filthy lies, I'm so utterly sick of people blaming post-turkey consumption sleepiness on tryptophan. There simply isn't enough tryptophan in the turkey you ate for you to feel a drowsy effect. What you're experiencing is the drowsiness that comes from stuffing your face. (Can I get a what-what?)

Anyway, back to the leftovers. Many people like to recreate their Thanksgiving feast by eating the same foods again and reheating them in the microwave and imagining that the magic isn't gone. That's cheating. Leftovers should be eaten cold. Remember, a monkey wearing a suit is still a monkey.

Turkish turkey

2006-11-23T23:17:00.000-05:00

It seems not only appropriate, but essential, that F-blog addresses Thanksgiving, a holiday devoted almost solely to enjoying what?
Rapid toasting mechanisms!

and FOOD.

Yes, today Americans across the country rose their blood sugar to the max and are on the edge of glycemic comas thanks to the undying tradition of consuming unnecessary amounts of starchy foods in one sitting.

For example, my family's feast on this lovely morn consisted of:
potatos
rolls
sweet potatos
corn
Nancy Pelosi
dressing, "stuffing" - if you will
pie
dachsund

In a word, STARCHFEST2006!

I wouldn't have it any other way.
I need an insulin shot now,

good evening you massive slut.

Much ado about muffin

2006-11-13T06:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Food Bloggers,

Why do muffin bottoms exist? The muffin top is clearly the more delicious part of the muffin. It is more moist, more flavorful and it is not separated from my mouth by a layer of cooked paper. Why is it that the muffin bottom is so gross and dry and crumbly? Why don't bakeries offer a stack of muffin tops? I'm pretty sure that a coffee shop in my hometown - the name of which I will not divulge except to say that it rhymes with Farrah Mote - offers muffin tops without their redheaded stepchild known as the muffin bottom. How do we get other eateries to jump on the muffin top bandwagon? Protests? Letters? Doing nothing and hoping the problem fixes itself? Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Topped Off

Dear Topped Off,

This problem of "muffin bottoms" will cease as soon as you put your Seinfeld DVDs back in their box.

Do you have a food-related question? Email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

Cheesespread Panic

2006-10-31T18:49:00.000-05:00

Time: Oct. 30 7 p.m.
Place: Ernie Pyle Hall, IU Bloomington, Ind.

All I wanted was a chicken sandwich for dinner.
Hence, I utilized an apparatus for transmission of speech to a distant point - telephone, as Germans might call it, to order food items from a restaurant.
The coversation with the chripy single who took my call went something like this:

Chick (pun INTENDED) who answered phone: Hi, can I take your order?
Harold McDarling (my pen name. pun INTENDED): Yes, this is for takeout.
CWAP: What can I get you?
HM: -
HM: -
HM: (starts laughing maniacally, thrusting phone toward confused and unassuming friends nearby)

This is a fine illustration of the phenomenon legitimized by Charles Darwin: order panic.

Often, food seekers experience a minor stroke whilst ordering over a telephone, sometimes resulting in a hang up, other times a perpetually hungry belly.

Luckily, Darwin proposed in his analytical works "The Descent of Delivery" a solution for order panic attacks:

Merely keep in mind that the person taking your order is probably poor and/or ugly.

I got my chicken sandwich.
Get yours.

The price of free food

2006-10-22T13:04:00.000-04:00

The other day I walked into a public restroom stall and noticed a pristine looking Tootsie Roll sitting on the toilet paper dispenser. For a moment I considered eating this lucky find, but then I decided not to. Do you think I made the right choice?

almost almond (alliteration).

2006-10-17T23:38:00.000-04:00

I'll bet something you're not aware of - in addition to the daily mealtimes of maggots and the year and location of the first women's suffrage convention - is the most delicious and blood-sugar-stabilizing snack available to humans:

Unethical sterilization surgeries.

Another good one:

Almonds!

According to www.nutsforalmonds.com and Dan Cheeseman, almonds

1. are full of antioxidants, or things that make peeps not get cancer and things

2. reduce the risk of heart nachos supreme attacks

3. lower cholesterol

4. are full of folic acid - for irresponsibly pregnant foos

Almonds - and nuts in general - are encouraged to be included in one's diet as a midday snack. They are also very effective high school track coaches. Like him:

I'm marrying an almond.

Crusty Magee

2006-09-26T02:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Food Blog:

What is the perfect pie crust recipe? Somebody mentioned something crude to me about just using butter and flour; it can't be that easy, can it?

Ready to Roll

Dear Ready,
Of course it's that easy! Easier! You don't even need the flour, just use butter. Perhaps you've heard that Paul McCartney song "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey," where Paul says "Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a berth or he couldn't get to sea, I had another look and I had a cup of tea and butter pie." I've been to England on three separate trips in search of the butter pie and have yet to discover its true identity. Maybe it's a Liverpool specialty. So to answer your question, I don't know how to make pie crust.

Do you have a food-related question? Email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

Hands and foods to yourself

2006-09-24T15:40:00.000-04:00

"It was really good," said Michelle, referring to a bastardization of foods.

You ever have those three people who can't keep their hands off each other? Whenever they're out of site for two seconds you have to shout, "Peron A, Person B, Person C-- Hand check!" This is what I'm reminded of when I think of Michelle's latest food choice.

It's called a Pepperoni Pizza Lean Pockets Sub. That's like three different foods. I simply cannot accept that. A pepperoni pizza is one thing. A sub is another thing. And a lean pocket is quite another, horrible, horrible thing. Why combine? It is wrong.

Pepperoni Pizza, Sub and Lean Pocket need to get a room and stop thrusting their twisted food menage a trois in my face.

"It only has 7 grams of fat!" Michelle said. She also said my use of the word "thrusting" makes her uncomfortable.

I found out why cats lick themselves

2006-09-18T23:09:00.000-04:00

THEY'RE DELICIOUS!

No, that's just a disgusting joke from a very brilliant and talented friend of mine. Don't eat cats, please.
What you SHOULD eat, however, is spinach.

Perhaps you've noticed that our friend Joanna has taken a sabbatical from the food blog to Padua, Italy. She'll be back soon. With breadsticks!

to every season food, food, food

2006-09-11T19:21:00.000-04:00

If we're going to assign foods to seasons, fall invariably wins.

With fall comes candy corn, those little pumpkins that try to be candy corn, popcorn balls (preferably caramel or motor oil-flavored), caramel apples, pumpkin bread, turkey and mittens - all items so delicious I hate to even call them delicious because they're so delicious. Plus, if you're 12 and under, you can obtain them for free on October 31 if you dress up as someone of a different ethnicity or a baby animal. Winner.

What do the other seasons have to offer in the way of associated snacks?

Winter: fruit cake, hard "holiday" sugar cookies (I'm a friend of the Jews)

Summer: Snow cones (it's JUST ICE - not a food unless you're poor)

Spring: Toaster strudels (blatantly sexist)

There you have it. Fall wins. Canada loses.

light, fluffy bowels

2006-09-04T09:59:00.000-04:00

I think it is appropriate - not disgusting or crude - to discuss bowel regularity in public spaces. It's an occurrence essential to the health maintenance of all human beings, after all.

This year, with the help of my very beautiful mother, I discovered Kashi products. You know. I still feel weird about name-dropping brands without being compensated, but F it, this is is worth it (the F is short for the word "fuck," by the way.)

Kashi products are a Nascar fan's health foods. They don't taste (too much) like sawdust or barbecued carpet and they're available in Krogers and Targets.

Among my favorites are:

TLC (tasty little chewies): these are just granola bars in spite of its very provocative name.

Waffles: this is a batter-based food item typically had for breakfast with a pattern of deep indentations of each side, formed by the gridlike design on each of the two hinged parts of the waffle iron in which the cake is baked. The Kashi waffles, unlike Eggo, have fiber and protein and things that will make a person not hungry one half hour after consumption. These waffles served as my breakfast for 80 percent of the summer months.

Crackers: crackers, a health food? HOW ABOUT YES. The Kashi crackers have lots of fiber. Fiber Fiber Fiber. Duck poop.

The obvious theme here is that fiber - a substantial amount of which is in all Kashi products - not only keeps one feeling satisfied (with regards to hunger for food - not for men), but also promotes giant, smelly bowels.

Eat Kashi!

Have a beautiful bowel. And day.

Editors note:

Dear Kashi reps,
If you're interested in compensating me for this uncalled-for RAVE review of your products, please e-mail me at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com.
Are you single?

Best,
Michelle

A lesson: how about I punch you

2006-09-01T15:51:00.000-04:00

You know that punch served at grade school birthday parties, 8th grade graduations and open houses at nationally-recognized college publications? Of course you do: it involves sherbert, sprite, juice, deli meats and foam. And it's a beverage worthy of the gods. Or me:

Still, drinking directly from the faux-crystal bowl full of the punchy punch is discouraged and even looked down upon in Western cultures, as I found from experience.

I love you.

broccoli pepper toss (fun and games!)

2006-08-28T16:43:00.000-04:00

Food can be fun. Not just to eat. Not just to prepare. But to throw and use as a recreational diversion. It's especially fun to fashion food games in the workplace. I don't know if you know this, but Michelle and I work in the same place. So when we're in the office, we maintain a certain level of professionalism and we play with food together.
Enter: broccoli pepper toss.
Ingredients: a hollowed-out pepper and a piece of broccoli.
Instructions: One person holds the pepper, another person tosses the broccoli into the pepper.

If more people want to get in on the action, a third person can act as the interceptor, trying to grab the broccoli from the air, and many other people can join in by throwing broccoli. In fact, there's no limit on the number of broccoli throwers you can get into the game, though the pepper holder might object.

Fish? or a filled diaper

2006-08-24T20:15:00.000-04:00

I'm a vegetarian but I still eat pork, beef, chicken, deer, gator and Pink Panther.

Upon considering my self-imposed diet regulations and the world's largest cheese cube, I've been pondering the essential question of sealife: is fish meat?

I was baptized and raised in the Catholic Church, giving me the authority to speak on such. As it turns out, fish is not meat. Catholics can eat it during Lent on "meatless" Fridays, unless we forget and eat a hamburger instead.

Also, fish smells bad. Even if it's fresh. For something to be classified as "meat," it must not smell bad unless fish is placed on it.

Fish does offer protein, like most meats. Still, unlike most meats, the eyes of fish are sometimes not removed before human consumption.

You smell bad.

More like bore-ganic

2006-08-23T02:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Food Blog,

Your recent post on soy milk got me thinking. Many grocery stores now sell organic food, which is more expensive than the regular food, but according to some people, it's healthier to eat. I just can't get past my skepticism. How do I know this so-called "organic food movement" isn't just the new Atkins Diet-like scheme to make me spend more money for what I eat?

Bewildered in Bloomington

Dear Bewildered,

Organic food is lame. Drugs, hormones, synthetic chemicals—why would they put them in food in the first place if they weren’t delicious? In spite of any theoretical social, economic, environment or health-related benefits that come with buying and consuming organic food—have you actually seen the people that shop in the organic food section? Enough said. If you’re that worried about food contaminates, perhaps it’s time to purchase a hybrid car and hold free yoga classes inside of it for all the members of your farming commune. However, if you’re looking for a way to spend more money on food, there are better ways to do so than buying organic. I suggest gnawing on bars of solid gold for a start.

Do you have a food-related question? Email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

Soy meets girl

2006-08-20T21:38:00.000-04:00

I don't look like the unibomber, I'm not a serial killer, I don't eat granola bars, I'm not in a cult, I don't wear festive head scarves, I don't dig through dumpsters (often), I've never tried "Tofurkey," I don't wear sandals in excess, I don’t have a tattoo of a unicorn jumping over Mother Earth, I’m not lactose intolerant, I'm not a vegan and I don’t have dreadlocks.

But I do drink soy milk.

Yowsa! Get back!

For some reason this blows peoples’ minds. You have to be a certain “kind” of person or have some sort of medical ailment or health philosophy to drink the soy. I don’t care about my health. (really! I don’t, I swear) I just like the taste.

And clearly I don’t drink it for my health because I usually drink the “very vanilla” flavor, marketed to children and loaded up with tons of sugar to cover up that disgusting soy milk taste.

Yes, I only drink the flavored kind. Regular soy milk? No, that stuff is nasty. Only weirdos like that crap.

Melon Keller

2006-08-18T12:39:00.000-04:00

Ahh, melon. One knows it's summertime in Indiana when the front display at the local Kroger features ripe, fruit fly-covered cantaloupes. The vision of such is a God-send, but, not unlike plums, picking out and consuming the "wrong" melon can result in a bad hair day and an unwanted baby.

I owe this post to my mother in that she is my primary mentor when in comes to picking out ripened fruits.

Yesterday her lessons persisted when I learned how to choose a delicious melon - as it's hard to tell from its peel if it will be juicy and sweet - not unlike bald heads.

The trick?

"Make sure it smells like melon," said my mom aka Miss America 1945 aka awesome.

Thus, it is clear where I inherited my brilliance.

Go team fruit salad!

Wake up and smell the...

2006-08-17T14:30:00.000-04:00

Food Blog,

Sometimes after consuming...no wait...every time I drink coffee
my urine smells like coffee the next morning. I heard that if
you eat asparagus a lot it does the same thing too. Why is this?

Pissed in Philadelphia

Dear Pissed,

You have a special gift. Don’t question it.

Do you have a food-related question? Email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com.

Ethnographic study: Juice in Richmond, Ind.

2006-08-14T22:58:00.000-04:00

This week I've the pleasure to reside at my home in the completely unimpressive Richmond, Indiana. Unimpressive unless, of course, you seek to consume mass amounts of fast food, are into sharp socioeconomic class division or thrive in mediocre, one-story malls.
At any rate, upon walking the best mutt in the world, Sophie Lophie, in my particular residential area, I came upon a sight unprecendented in these parts.

Hark!:

Yes, what you're seeing there is a Wal-Mart bag filled with presumably unopened boxes of Juicy-Juice, probably Fruit Punch flavored as indicated from the barely-visible cartons.
Now, in some places, say, the Indiana University-Bloomington campus, such a vision would not seem so bizzare. I would make the claim that it would be uncommon for something like juice on a street sign to NOT be present. In Richmond, Ind, however, in a neighborhood consisting predominantly of middle-class senior citizens, I was puzzled, but delightfully so.

The sign is at least 10 feet high, thus suggesting that a person being had to exert some pretty intense effort into placing it.

Well.

I appreciate that effort. And so does Richmond.

The great ice cream taste-test-a-thon

2006-08-14T12:52:00.000-04:00

Ice cream—man’s best friend, the final frontier, an army of one.

Show me a person who doesn’t like ice cream and I’ll show you a corpse. It’s a special treat (ice cream, not a corpse), and flavor is very important. That’s why, here at the flog, we went out and tasted the ice cream so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Michelle and Joanna visited three ice cream-selling venues and evaluated the ice cream based purely on taste. We took into account the background sound at the time of tasting. (Because your sense of taste is affected by your sense of hearing. Or was that sense of smell? Whatever.) We also took into account the texture of the tasting spoons. At each venue Michelle tasted vanilla, Joanna tasted chocolate and then we sampled one “wild card” flavor.

Now follows our flavor findings:

Cold Stone Creamery
Background sound: “Shiny Happy People” by REM
Sample spoons: plastic

French Vanilla
Flavor: chalk, cereal-esque
Tastes like: the first day of 2^nd grade

Chocolate
Flavor: sweet
Tastes like: being lost in the desert

Bubble Gum
Flavor: maltodextrin, sucralose
Tastes like: being strangled by a clown (something some might enjoy in moderation)

Jiffy Treet
Background sound: “Woman Woman” by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap
Sample spoons: wood

We had some trouble with the wooden sample spoons. The wood tainted the flavor of the ice cream.

French Vanilla
Flavor: wood
Tastes like: Christmas Eve evenings after mass with the family in Pennsylvania with my dog Lucky sitting by the fire

Chocolate
Flavor: dark
Tastes like: a fist fight with a German

Green Tea
Flavor: not actually a food
Tastes like: good for cleaning out the colon

Bruster’s
Background sound: Traffic
Sample spoons: plastic

Vanilla
Flavor: vanilla
Tastes like: the free tooth brush from a trip to the dentist

Chocolate
Flavor: creamy
Tastes like: river rafting

Purple Dinosaur
Flavor: prehistoric, but in a good way
Tastes like: food dye

Hats off to kitchen

2006-08-12T12:03:00.000-04:00

As I pack up and move out of my first crappy college student apartment, I realize it's time to say goodbye to my first crappy college student kitchen. The kitchen is a special place in the food world. Not all food comes from the kitchen, but it is indisputably a food hub. I’ve realized that this particular kitchen is a place where I created many things for the first time all by myself from scratch: fried egg sandwiches, chili, French crepes, guacamole, Jell-O shots and maggots.

Respect the kitchen.

donuts or particles from heaven

2006-08-10T23:49:00.000-04:00

In my heart will always be a special place for donuts. Probably because not only are they delicious, they can also be worn as jewelry and strike fear in the hearts of calorie-conscious whorebags. (It's OK - I can say that because I'm a gender studies major.)

Never have I had an unsatisfying donut. But one nagging decision persists when faced with donut options:

yeast v. cake

I shall refrain from making a yeast infection joke at this time, ignoring my pretty recent development of a passion for inappropriate and mildly disgusting humor. I would hate to turn away readers with sensitive wombs but more importantly I would hate to divert anyone's attention from pondering the almighty donut, though I'm positive I've done that already with this paragraph of unbridled, inspired nonsense.

The way I see it:

Yeast donuts are favorable for consumption in the morning. Cake donuts are more suitable for an afternoon or evening dessert. They are cake, after all. I'll bet some very brilliant fatass chef just made his dessert circular with a hole in it one day, making it socially acceptable as a breakfast item. Then he probably went home for the evening to watch "Wheel of Fortune" with his 10-year-old son, Charlie, who'd gotten in a fight at school that day.

I don't belive that one donut type is inherently "better" than the other. I would make the claim, though, that those that aren't registered to vote are not adequately fulfilling their civic duty. Still, this does not make them less of a donut, it suggest only that they are ignorant or misguided.

Right now, I'm hungry for something doughy that I can also wear as a bracelet ...

so I'm going to Arby's.