Everybody's trying to be my baby corn

I believe it was hip hop artist Ol’ Dirty Bastard who once said, “You say you got my baby and I know it ain’t true,” which reminds me of something one of our readers brought up. It’s an age-old question that mankind keeps coming to time and time again: Are babies food?I’ll admit, I probably should’ve consulted an expert before jumping to conclusions, but I’m going to go with no. Babies are not food. Unless you’re talking about veal where you take a baby cow in the early dawn of its life, constrict its movement and force-feed it milk. But you’re not here to read about what I do on the weekends.

So let me get to the point. We’re all searching for the most humane way possible to eat a baby. I give you: baby vegetables. Baby carrots, baby corn, cherry tomatoes. All of these are baby-sized foods that you can enjoy without ingesting an actual baby. They taste similar to their regular-sized counterparts, but with a flavor that’s more youthful and innocent. And they’re just so gosh darn cute. (Because they’re smaller than normal. You know, you get a baby corn in your stir fry and it’s a lot smaller than an ordinary cob of corn. Get it?)

Instead of using the term “baby” to characterize these food items, some people might try to use the term “mini.” Like “mini carrots.” Crazy, I know. But these people are out there. We call them terrorists.