The best food in life is free

At work this morning I walked into the ambiguous office-eating-nook (I can't call it a break room because I don't work in a strip mall.) to find free bags of Doritos. I gleefully grabbed some, but on the way to my desk my co-workers shot me piercing, judgmental looks because I held in my hand inedible filth. Or maybe it was because I brought in my historical Nazi paraphernalia collection. Whatever.

If I could afford a decadent breakfast of tofu squares* and fish oil, surely I would eat it instead. But alas, I am a devout follower of the church of free food. The way we worship our divine deity is by consuming it whenever possible. If you walk away from free food, you walk one step closer to eternal damnation.

Of course, I'm not immune to the junk food stigma. A co-worker brought a box of doughnuts over to my cubicle one morning and my first thought was, "You expect me to put that toxic waste into my body?" I think I ate like three.

*I thought you might like to know that instead of "tofu squares" I initially typed "tofu scares" which sounds like a great, health-conscious treat for trick-or-treaters. If I had Photoshop on my work computer, you know I'd draw a scary face on some tofu, maybe give it some fangs, etc. Oh, HELLO Paint.