Cream cheese repentance

Warning: I’m about to bash a holy sanctity of health food.

But first I have to clear one thing up: I’m not a picky eater.

I know plenty of people, well over the age of 5, with diets that consist solely of chicken, pasta, potato, and cheese. I’ve eaten squid in its own ink and liked it.

Now that we have that cleared up, it’s time for some blasphemy. Grab your fiber zero-trans-fat rosary and hold on.

I don’t like tofu.

Now that I’ve made this public I realize my name is on the vegan mafia hit list and I’ve been excommunicated from the church of Whole Foods. Whatever.

I would describe tofu as having the grossest texture in the world. Since it taste like nothing and takes on the flavor of its brethren food ingredients, what is the point of sticking it in there in the first place? As a meat substitute? I’d rather go totally meatless, please, than ingest creepy, wiggly bean curd JELL-O.

And, full disclosure, I’ve eaten flan made from soy beans, and it was awesome. So, tofu, honesty, you suck.

Now here’s the lick. I can get down with tofu cream cheese. My roommate brought it home one day from a health food store while on a detox diet. It’s from a brand called Tofutti (known for its tofu ice cream) and the label says, “Better than cream cheese.” And since regular cream cheese already has a slimy texture, it doesn’t matter that it’s made from soy! I recommend the Herbs & chives flavor. Maybe they won’t be making an episode of Law & Order inspired by when they found my dead bodied buried under an organic turnip garden in Brooklyn after all.