WTF, water

I've been drinking Vitamin Water the last four days or so in an effort to abstain from carbonated bevs.

After all, even the "diet" ones that we drink happily, trading calories for brain-killing sweeteners, are not good for our small intestines. And these days you have to be under age 12 or over 300 pounds to drink full-sugar pop and still maintain a respectable level of integrity. (Because you don't know any better, or because you've lost the will to live.)

But I'm no fool. Vitamin Water is not a health food (26g of sugar per bottle = useless calories), and maybe worse, it tries too hard to be trendy.

Here is how:

1. Its "flavors" are all bright colors that are pretty! (but they in no way resemble anything in nature)

2. The bottles' text offers a faux-edge kind of funny. "For best results, stick it in the fridge," reads the all-lower case letter, super contemporary, black-rimmed-glasses-wearing-reader font.

But for all its artificial glam, Vitamin Water DOES keep its name-carrying promises. I'm getting 25 percent of my Vitamin B5 needs from my kiwi strawberry concoction this morn! I don't know what that means, but I really like it.

A friend called Vitamin Water an "overpriced yuppie drink," but I got mine for a dollar at Wal-Mart.