F to the I to the BERLICIOUS

Some treats I've only recently stumbled upon are Quaker's Oatmeal To Go. Put them in the microwave for a second and they taste like a brownie. They're full of fiber and dishwasher liquid, too, so one needn't feel "guilt" after eating, say, four in one day. I did.

I also stole school supplies from Iraqi war orphans and then sold them for money to get breast implants and I don't feel guilt.

Chicken Souvlaki: or how I ordered a pita with a funny name

It was half past noon, the lunching hour. Some friends convinced me to go to the Pita Pit. Generally, when I'm looking for a delicious meal, I don't go to a pit, but...whatryagonnado? Once inside the pit, I was face-to-face with a new menu of pitas. I ordered the Chicken Souvlaki because it sounded ethnic and fun to say.

"What's Chicken Souvlaki?" my friends asked. I didn't know.

Upon eating it, I'm still not sure what souvlaki means. The dictionary says it's a noun in Greek cookery. The definitions include "a dish similar to shish kebab made with lamb" and "made of lamb." That doesn't make any damn sense.

I got this white sauce on my pita and it had a funny name, too. It sounded like Suzuki, but I'm pretty sure that's wrong. Tzatziki, that's it. I remember because my friend Zack said he liked it so much, his new name could be Tzat-zack-i. ...or maybe I said that.