Berry crisp-mas

**Below is a piece originally published in the newspaper I report for as, like, my job. Its lack of cursing and/or innuendo will throw you off, so please keep in mind its author's intended audience was the citizens of a small Indiana town. Oh, and, Merry Christmas, fatties.


With every holiday season comes a series of articles from otherwise reputable news sources on how to avoid overeating and gaining "that holiday weight."
Only an uncritical reader can consume these articles with even an ounce of sincerity, as virtually the same "tips" and suggestions are offered year after year.

And, more than being stale, the "helpful hints" are often excruciatingly obvious (stick with the veggie tray!) or condescending (focus on talking with people rather than browsing the buffet, you fleshy embarrassment!).
"Facts" about seasonal weight gain accompany some of the articles, like one this year from an Avon, Colo., newspaper that suggests many Americans will "gain an estimated seven pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day."
But that figure and others like it are remarkably exaggerated, suggests a recent study from the New England Journal of Medicine. One pound, it's reported, is really the average weight gain of the season.
According to Christie Ferriell, a registered dietitian at Reid Hospital, 3,500 calories make up a pound.
That's equal to about 30 palm-sized cookies or 9 turkey and cheese sandwiches.
In other words, one has to eat an awful lot to actually gain weight in a few weeks, so these articles are likely more effective in panicking readers than helping them plan ahead.
Furthermore, women are often the targets of these inept exposes. A piece from CNN suggests that party-goers "wear a form fitting dress or tight skirt or pants" so they feel compelled to consume less. Don't embarrass yourselves by eating, ladies!
Ugh.
Maybe I take these articles personally because I love food. The chocolatey, cheesy, alcoholic treats at parties make them worthwhile for me.
Last year I counted eating 10 barbecued mini hot dogs at one party. That was a memorable night of indigestion. (FB readers, this was originally "a memorable night in the bathroom," but editor thought people may find that rather disgusting -- which, absolutely, it is.)
Still, I don't usually overdo it, and when it comes to being "smart" about enjoying treats, I make up my own rules.
For one, I eat whatever sounds good to me, but I stop when I feel nearly full. And then I'm done for the night. Listen to your body -- it likely knows what's going to satisfy your appetite and when you need to stop. (I guess this rule goes out only to generally healthy people -- if you have diabetes or heart disease, talk to your doctor, not a 22-year-old preoccupied by artichoke dip.)
Also, I've been strength training for the last year and half, which really just means I utilize daily the dumbbells and a resistance rope in my room. It's nice because I have the privacy of my own space to do these workouts, and after even 15 minutes of curls and sit-ups my muscles feel firm and my blood is pumping.
I might do an extra mini workout on days I know I have unlimited access to sugar cream pie and pizza rounds, but even just a half- mile walk outside is better than nothing. Exercise fuels weight management.
But in the interest of avoiding hypocrisy, my "tips" will end there. If I have any meaningful holiday advice to offer, it is to enjoy yourself. Even if you eat 10 weenies.
After all, if you have a celebration to attend and people's company to enjoy, you've done something right along the way.
And maybe for just this month, gaining a pound is acceptable -- if you had a ton of fun doing it.