Pulp non-fiction

When I drink orange juice, I like to have things floating in it. By things I mean chocolate chips, mini plastic boats, wolf/dreamcatcher T-shirts or, of course, the fleshy part of a citrus fruit:
PULP.

There is an unfortunate perception that most people like to withhold baby bodies of fruits inside of their beverages. Growing up, even my mother would usually buy "No Pulp" OJ Simpson.
Some pulp playa hatas say they resent the texture pulp gives their juice; others deny the Holocaust ever happened.


It is obvious to the Food blog that hatred of pulp stems largely from its lack of representation not only in American politics, but also in the mainstream media. Probably if more people understood the complexity and diversity that pulp is, they could learn to love having it digest in their bodies.

The word pulp, of course, refers to any mass of soft tissue. I'll bet you need to blow your nose now.

There'll be bluebirds over my Thanksgiving leftovers

Two days post Turkey Day and it's time to talk about leftovers. First I'll brief you on my family's Thanksgiving. But unlike Michelle, I won't include filthy lies. I know the flog readers aren't impressed by how many species of dog my family ingests during the holidays. After handing out the small pox blankets we ate the following:

turkey
stuffing
yams
mashed potatoes
green bean casserole
noodles
a canned cranberry log (why, God, why?!?!?!??!)
rolls

I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh yes, Cool Whip. I think there might've been pumpkin pie under there somewhere, but who really knows for sure?

Speaking of filthy lies, I'm so utterly sick of people blaming post-turkey consumption sleepiness on tryptophan. There simply isn't enough tryptophan in the turkey you ate for you to feel a drowsy effect. What you're experiencing is the drowsiness that comes from stuffing your face. (Can I get a what-what?)

Anyway, back to the leftovers. Many people like to recreate their Thanksgiving feast by eating the same foods again and reheating them in the microwave and imagining that the magic isn't gone. That's cheating. Leftovers should be eaten cold. Remember, a monkey wearing a suit is still a monkey.

Turkish turkey

It seems not only appropriate, but essential, that F-blog addresses Thanksgiving, a holiday devoted almost solely to enjoying what?
Rapid toasting mechanisms!

and FOOD.

Yes, today Americans across the country rose their blood sugar to the max and are on the edge of glycemic comas thanks to the undying tradition of consuming unnecessary amounts of starchy foods in one sitting.

For example, my family's feast on this lovely morn consisted of:
potatos
rolls
sweet potatos
corn
Nancy Pelosi
dressing, "stuffing" - if you will
pie
dachsund

In a word, STARCHFEST2006!

I wouldn't have it any other way.
I need an insulin shot now,

good evening you massive slut.

Much ado about muffin

Dear Food Bloggers,

Why do muffin bottoms exist? The muffin top is clearly the more delicious part of the muffin. It is more moist, more flavorful and it is not separated from my mouth by a layer of cooked paper. Why is it that the muffin bottom is so gross and dry and crumbly? Why don't bakeries offer a stack of muffin tops? I'm pretty sure that a coffee shop in my hometown - the name of which I will not divulge except to say that it rhymes with Farrah Mote - offers muffin tops without their redheaded stepchild known as the muffin bottom. How do we get other eateries to jump on the muffin top bandwagon? Protests? Letters? Doing nothing and hoping the problem fixes itself? Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Topped Off


Dear Topped Off,

This problem of "muffin bottoms" will cease as soon as you put your Seinfeld DVDs back in their box.


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