Crusty Magee

Dear Food Blog:

What is the perfect pie crust recipe? Somebody mentioned something crude to me about just using butter and flour; it can't be that easy, can it?

Ready to Roll

Dear Ready,
Of course it's that easy! Easier! You don't even need the flour, just use butter. Perhaps you've heard that Paul McCartney song "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey," where Paul says "Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a berth or he couldn't get to sea, I had another look and I had a cup of tea and butter pie." I've been to England on three separate trips in search of the butter pie and have yet to discover its true identity. Maybe it's a Liverpool specialty. So to answer your question, I don't know how to make pie crust.


Do you have a food-related question? Email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

Hands and foods to yourself

"It was really good," said Michelle, referring to a bastardization of foods.

You ever have those three people who can't keep their hands off each other? Whenever they're out of site for two seconds you have to shout, "Peron A, Person B, Person C-- Hand check!" This is what I'm reminded of when I think of Michelle's latest food choice.

It's called a Pepperoni Pizza Lean Pockets Sub. That's like three different foods. I simply cannot accept that. A pepperoni pizza is one thing. A sub is another thing. And a lean pocket is quite another, horrible, horrible thing. Why combine? It is wrong.

Pepperoni Pizza, Sub and Lean Pocket need to get a room and stop thrusting their twisted food menage a trois in my face.

"It only has 7 grams of fat!" Michelle said. She also said my use of the word "thrusting" makes her uncomfortable.

I found out why cats lick themselves

THEY'RE DELICIOUS!


No, that's just a disgusting joke from a very brilliant and talented friend of mine. Don't eat cats, please.
What you SHOULD eat, however, is spinach.


Perhaps you've noticed that our friend Joanna has taken a sabbatical from the food blog to Padua, Italy. She'll be back soon. With breadsticks!

to every season food, food, food

If we're going to assign foods to seasons, fall invariably wins.

With fall comes candy corn, those little pumpkins that try to be candy corn, popcorn balls (preferably caramel or motor oil-flavored), caramel apples, pumpkin bread, turkey and mittens - all items so delicious I hate to even call them delicious because they're so delicious. Plus, if you're 12 and under, you can obtain them for free on October 31 if you dress up as someone of a different ethnicity or a baby animal. Winner.

What do the other seasons have to offer in the way of associated snacks?

Winter: fruit cake, hard "holiday" sugar cookies (I'm a friend of the Jews)

Summer: Snow cones (it's JUST ICE - not a food unless you're poor)

Spring: Toaster strudels (blatantly sexist)

There you have it. Fall wins. Canada loses.

light, fluffy bowels

I think it is appropriate - not disgusting or crude - to discuss bowel regularity in public spaces. It's an occurrence essential to the health maintenance of all human beings, after all.

This year, with the help of my very beautiful mother, I discovered Kashi products. You know. I still feel weird about name-dropping brands without being compensated, but F it, this is is worth it (the F is short for the word "fuck," by the way.)

Kashi products are a Nascar fan's health foods. They don't taste (too much) like sawdust or barbecued carpet and they're available in Krogers and Targets.

Among my favorites are:

TLC (tasty little chewies): these are just granola bars in spite of its very provocative name.

Waffles: this is a batter-based food item typically had for breakfast with a pattern of deep indentations of each side, formed by the gridlike design on each of the two hinged parts of the waffle iron in which the cake is baked. The Kashi waffles, unlike Eggo, have fiber and protein and things that will make a person not hungry one half hour after consumption. These waffles served as my breakfast for 80 percent of the summer months.

Crackers: crackers, a health food? HOW ABOUT YES. The Kashi crackers have lots of fiber. Fiber Fiber Fiber. Duck poop.


The obvious theme here is that fiber - a substantial amount of which is in all Kashi products - not only keeps one feeling satisfied (with regards to hunger for food - not for men), but also promotes giant, smelly bowels.

Eat Kashi!

Have a beautiful bowel. And day.




Editors note:

Dear Kashi reps,
If you're interested in compensating me for this uncalled-for RAVE review of your products, please e-mail me at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com.
Are you single?

Best,
Michelle

A lesson: how about I punch you

You know that punch served at grade school birthday parties, 8th grade graduations and open houses at nationally-recognized college publications? Of course you do: it involves sherbert, sprite, juice, deli meats and foam. And it's a beverage worthy of the gods. Or me:





Still, drinking directly from the faux-crystal bowl full of the punchy punch is discouraged and even looked down upon in Western cultures, as I found from experience.

I love you.