Funnel vision

Today my mouth attacked the worst and best thing you can ever eat: a funnel cake.

Because while the sugary treat was sensational going down, now -- three hours later -- I fear for my life. Will I wake up tomorrow morning? Will fried dough seep from my pores when I shower?

There's no way of knowing.

Today the food blog recommends...

eating five coconut popsicles in one sitting.  Not that I've done that. OK I have. And it was the right thing to do.

True Life: I live off frozen food

Editor's note: This is a guest entry from a real-life Midwestern career-lady who will eat anything on a biscuit and loves cutsypie Pomeranian pups. We thank her for sharing this riveting account.


When people come to my house, they inevitably ask me when was the last time I used my stove or how many times has it ever been turned on.

My standard reply is that the last time I turned the stove on it filled my kitchen with smoke. I can count on one hand the number of times I have turned it on in the last nine years.

You see, anyone who knows me can tell you I have no desire to even own a stove. It neatly fills what would be a dandy-sized hole in my kitchen. I have thought a recliner or even a foosball table would be a better fit in that space.

The flat-out truth is I am single and I see no fun or challenge in attempting to conjure up some dish with which I will be stuck eating for days -- until leftovers are coming out of my ears.

Yes, I know you can freeze leftovers and save them until the next craving hits, but my freezer is overstocked with the single woman's best kitchen tool: The frozen dinner.

If there is such a thing as being the gourmet connoisseur of frozen dinners, I just might qualify. Without hesitation, I can tell you my favorite is just about anything Stouffer's. Their lasagna is as close to my own mother's as any I have ever encountered. It is several layers with plenty of ricotta, ground beef and very tasty tomato sauce. Stouffer's meatloaf, barbecued chicken and fettuccini alfredo are also above normal frozen food standards.

For a quick, forkless meal on-the-go, you cannot go wrong with Totino's Pizza Rolls or a Hot Pocket. I prefer the supreme pizza rolls because onions and green peppers are thrown into the bite-size creatures giving them some added zest. Taco Hot Pockets are my choice among the many varieties in the frozen food case. The hamburger is spicy and there's plenty of cheese which is always a plus in my book.

And what's for dessert? What else but a freezer's best friend: Ice cream. Anything with cookie dough, peanut butter or caramel is on my favorite's list and I could eat several pints of Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Roll in one sitting. You have never tasted so much cinnamon squished into one small container in your life.

So this is my summary of a single woman's diet. A woman who is obviously not overly health conscious and just wants to enjoy some of the finer things found in a freezer.

Your food soundtrack

Every food deserves its own soundtrack. I once knew a guy who said you can tell how good a food is from the sound it makes when you chew it. I suspect he was on some meds. All Bjork-esque theories aside, eating food is a sensory experience where your ears are largely excluded, UNTIL NOW.

Today's edition: Hot Cereal. Oatmeal, cream of wheat, grits, Cocoa Wheats-- these be your jams; mellow, hot, sticky and viscous.

Smoke & Mirrors – RJD2
Tipitina – Professor Longhair
I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry – Hank Williams
Within You Without You – The Beatles

Yeah, that's only 4 songs. But how long does it take you to eat a bowl of cereal anyway?

We are now accepting nominations for the next food to be soundtrack'd at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com.

Speaking of nutbars!

In my hometown in Indiana there’s this place called The Frozen Custard. I think it’s historically significant and junk. And it serves frozen custard. And they have this signature thing called a nutbar and it’s vanilla frozen custard covered with nuts (secured with a very thin, virtually non-tasteable layer of chocolate) on a stick. And everyone in my family loves them. If you’re a guest at my home and you arrive not bearing nutbars, you get taken out to the wild boar pasture, tied to a tree and covered in boar hormone mating juice. Yeah, it’s a little backwater.

Going nuts

To combat hypoglycemic states, I keep a wealth of nuts at my work desk (see prev. entry).

As of June 10, my "nutbar" includes: almonds, redskin peanuts, pumpkin seeds and honey roasted soynuts.

I'm pretty sure I came up with the idea for a nutbar, and I enjoy inviting co-workers -- often confused or disgusted by my collection -- to partake.

They rarely do, but I like sharing. One thing I've learned: never let people just grab your nuts, ask them to cup her/his hand and then just hand them over.

That's what sh... nevermind.

It must’ve been soup, but it’s over now

What is it about this muggy June day that makes me want to inhale hot liquids like a Hoover wet-vac? I’ve been fiendishly craving soup daily in spite of this Dirty Dancing II: Hot Havana Nights weather we’ve been having.

I know my fellow flogger Michelle disdains soup. But I think her concept of soup is a 79 cent dented can of Campbell’s chicken & stars. That salty gruel is actually delicious, too, in its own right. But it’s not a proper representation of what soup can really be in all its glory. (Trust me, cream of asparagus prepared by a chef trained at the Bel-Aire will make anyone start a murderous rampage of soupy joy.)

Confession time: When presented with two or more big stainless steel vats of soup, I become…. a soup mixer. Like 12-year-olds mix Mountain Dew and Orange Crush at the soda fountain, I mix seafood bisque and curried lentil.

Best decision of my life.

Insalts

My second high school boyfriend was surprised when he found Slim Jims in my backpack during art class.

"Girls don't like salty meats," he said, puzzled but charmed.

"Oh yes they do, Barky," I offered back. I called him Barky because he was a panda bear.

Am I really an anomaly among women in that I like jerkies and dried beef sticks? I get it honestly; many family members enjoy beef, warped so it looks like a dry turd.

They are convenient and full of protein -- the meat, that is. And my family.

My dentist gives me turkey bacon after check-ups when I don't bite his fingers. What's not to love?