broccoli pepper toss (fun and games!)

Food can be fun. Not just to eat. Not just to prepare. But to throw and use as a recreational diversion. It's especially fun to fashion food games in the workplace. I don't know if you know this, but Michelle and I work in the same place. So when we're in the office, we maintain a certain level of professionalism and we play with food together.
Enter: broccoli pepper toss.
Ingredients: a hollowed-out pepper and a piece of broccoli.
Instructions: One person holds the pepper, another person tosses the broccoli into the pepper.

If more people want to get in on the action, a third person can act as the interceptor, trying to grab the broccoli from the air, and many other people can join in by throwing broccoli. In fact, there's no limit on the number of broccoli throwers you can get into the game, though the pepper holder might object.

Fish? or a filled diaper

I'm a vegetarian but I still eat pork, beef, chicken, deer, gator and Pink Panther.

Upon considering my self-imposed diet regulations and the world's largest cheese cube, I've been pondering the essential question of sealife: is fish meat?

I was baptized and raised in the Catholic Church, giving me the authority to speak on such. As it turns out, fish is not meat. Catholics can eat it during Lent on "meatless" Fridays, unless we forget and eat a hamburger instead.

Also, fish smells bad. Even if it's fresh. For something to be classified as "meat," it must not smell bad unless fish is placed on it.

Fish does offer protein, like most meats. Still, unlike most meats, the eyes of fish are sometimes not removed before human consumption.

You smell bad.

More like bore-ganic

Dear Food Blog,

Your recent post on soy milk got me thinking. Many grocery stores now sell organic food, which is more expensive than the regular food, but according to some people, it's healthier to eat. I just can't get past my skepticism. How do I know this so-called "organic food movement" isn't just the new Atkins Diet-like scheme to make me spend more money for what I eat?

Bewildered in Bloomington


Dear Bewildered,

Organic food is lame. Drugs, hormones, synthetic chemicals—why would they put them in food in the first place if they weren’t delicious? In spite of any theoretical social, economic, environment or health-related benefits that come with buying and consuming organic food—have you actually seen the people that shop in the organic food section? Enough said. If you’re that worried about food contaminates, perhaps it’s time to purchase a hybrid car and hold free yoga classes inside of it for all the members of your farming commune. However, if you’re looking for a way to spend more money on food, there are better ways to do so than buying organic. I suggest gnawing on bars of solid gold for a start.


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Soy meets girl

I don't look like the unibomber, I'm not a serial killer, I don't eat granola bars, I'm not in a cult, I don't wear festive head scarves, I don't dig through dumpsters (often), I've never tried "Tofurkey," I don't wear sandals in excess, I don’t have a tattoo of a unicorn jumping over Mother Earth, I’m not lactose intolerant, I'm not a vegan and I don’t have dreadlocks.

But I do drink soy milk.

Yowsa! Get back!

For some reason this blows peoples’ minds. You have to be a certain “kind” of person or have some sort of medical ailment or health philosophy to drink the soy. I don’t care about my health. (really! I don’t, I swear) I just like the taste.

And clearly I don’t drink it for my health because I usually drink the “very vanilla” flavor, marketed to children and loaded up with tons of sugar to cover up that disgusting soy milk taste.

Yes, I only drink the flavored kind. Regular soy milk? No, that stuff is nasty. Only weirdos like that crap.

Melon Keller

Ahh, melon. One knows it's summertime in Indiana when the front display at the local Kroger features ripe, fruit fly-covered cantaloupes. The vision of such is a God-send, but, not unlike plums, picking out and consuming the "wrong" melon can result in a bad hair day and an unwanted baby.

I owe this post to my mother in that she is my primary mentor when in comes to picking out ripened fruits.

Yesterday her lessons persisted when I learned how to choose a delicious melon - as it's hard to tell from its peel if it will be juicy and sweet - not unlike bald heads.

The trick?

"Make sure it smells like melon," said my mom aka Miss America 1945 aka awesome.

Thus, it is clear where I inherited my brilliance.

Go team fruit salad!

Wake up and smell the...

Food Blog,

Sometimes after consuming...no wait...every time I drink coffee
my urine smells like coffee the next morning. I heard that if
you eat asparagus a lot it does the same thing too. Why is this?

Pissed in Philadelphia


Dear Pissed,

You have a special gift. Don’t question it.




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Ethnographic study: Juice in Richmond, Ind.

This week I've the pleasure to reside at my home in the completely unimpressive Richmond, Indiana. Unimpressive unless, of course, you seek to consume mass amounts of fast food, are into sharp socioeconomic class division or thrive in mediocre, one-story malls.
At any rate, upon walking the best mutt in the world, Sophie Lophie, in my particular residential area, I came upon a sight unprecendented in these parts.

Hark!:



Yes, what you're seeing there is a Wal-Mart bag filled with presumably unopened boxes of Juicy-Juice, probably Fruit Punch flavored as indicated from the barely-visible cartons.
Now, in some places, say, the Indiana University-Bloomington campus, such a vision would not seem so bizzare. I would make the claim that it would be uncommon for something like juice on a street sign to NOT be present. In Richmond, Ind, however, in a neighborhood consisting predominantly of middle-class senior citizens, I was puzzled, but delightfully so.

The sign is at least 10 feet high, thus suggesting that a person being had to exert some pretty intense effort into placing it.

Well.

I appreciate that effort. And so does Richmond.

The great ice cream taste-test-a-thon

Ice cream—man’s best friend, the final frontier, an army of one.

Show me a person who doesn’t like ice cream and I’ll show you a corpse. It’s a special treat (ice cream, not a corpse), and flavor is very important. That’s why, here at the flog, we went out and tasted the ice cream so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Michelle and Joanna visited three ice cream-selling venues and evaluated the ice cream based purely on taste. We took into account the background sound at the time of tasting. (Because your sense of taste is affected by your sense of hearing. Or was that sense of smell? Whatever.) We also took into account the texture of the tasting spoons. At each venue Michelle tasted vanilla, Joanna tasted chocolate and then we sampled one “wild card” flavor.

Now follows our flavor findings:

Cold Stone Creamery
Background sound: “Shiny Happy People” by REM
Sample spoons: plastic

French Vanilla
Flavor: chalk, cereal-esque
Tastes like: the first day of 2^nd grade

Chocolate
Flavor: sweet
Tastes like: being lost in the desert

Bubble Gum
Flavor: maltodextrin, sucralose
Tastes like: being strangled by a clown (something some might enjoy in moderation)

Jiffy Treet
Background sound: “Woman Woman” by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap
Sample spoons: wood

We had some trouble with the wooden sample spoons. The wood tainted the flavor of the ice cream.

French Vanilla
Flavor: wood
Tastes like: Christmas Eve evenings after mass with the family in Pennsylvania with my dog Lucky sitting by the fire

Chocolate
Flavor: dark
Tastes like: a fist fight with a German

Green Tea
Flavor: not actually a food
Tastes like: good for cleaning out the colon

Bruster’s
Background sound: Traffic
Sample spoons: plastic

Vanilla
Flavor: vanilla
Tastes like: the free tooth brush from a trip to the dentist

Chocolate
Flavor: creamy
Tastes like: river rafting

Purple Dinosaur
Flavor: prehistoric, but in a good way
Tastes like: food dye

Hats off to kitchen

As I pack up and move out of my first crappy college student apartment, I realize it's time to say goodbye to my first crappy college student kitchen. The kitchen is a special place in the food world. Not all food comes from the kitchen, but it is indisputably a food hub. I’ve realized that this particular kitchen is a place where I created many things for the first time all by myself from scratch: fried egg sandwiches, chili, French crepes, guacamole, Jell-O shots and maggots.

Respect the kitchen.

donuts or particles from heaven

In my heart will always be a special place for donuts. Probably because not only are they delicious, they can also be worn as jewelry and strike fear in the hearts of calorie-conscious whorebags. (It's OK - I can say that because I'm a gender studies major.)

Never have I had an unsatisfying donut. But one nagging decision persists when faced with donut options:

yeast v. cake

I shall refrain from making a yeast infection joke at this time, ignoring my pretty recent development of a passion for inappropriate and mildly disgusting humor. I would hate to turn away readers with sensitive wombs but more importantly I would hate to divert anyone's attention from pondering the almighty donut, though I'm positive I've done that already with this paragraph of unbridled, inspired nonsense.

The way I see it:

Yeast donuts are favorable for consumption in the morning. Cake donuts are more suitable for an afternoon or evening dessert. They are cake, after all. I'll bet some very brilliant fatass chef just made his dessert circular with a hole in it one day, making it socially acceptable as a breakfast item. Then he probably went home for the evening to watch "Wheel of Fortune" with his 10-year-old son, Charlie, who'd gotten in a fight at school that day.

I don't belive that one donut type is inherently "better" than the other. I would make the claim, though, that those that aren't registered to vote are not adequately fulfilling their civic duty. Still, this does not make them less of a donut, it suggest only that they are ignorant or misguided.

Right now, I'm hungry for something doughy that I can also wear as a bracelet ...

so I'm going to Arby's.

Pesto sí, instant no

Dear Food Blog,
Instant pesto: hello or oh-no?

-Willing to Settle


Dear Willing to Settle,

I’m sure you’re a wonderful person and any pesto sauce would be lucky to have you. I’m tempted to say that instant pesto is neither a “hello” nor an “oh-no,” but in fact—a hell no. Don’t get me wrong, pesto is delicious. It’s green and tastes good on pasta, pizza and the Communist Manifesto. But instant? I’m… hesitant. Sure, I’ve never tried it, but instant foods are like the wild, up and down roller coaster ride of a crack binge. Sure, just add water and stir. It’s all fun and games until you wake up on the Atlantic City boardwalk, dressed as a mime and your wallet is gone.

Having pesto immediately might seem really important, but don’t do something you’ll regret. If you have a blender or food processor and don’t mind buying the ingredients, you can make pesto easily and quickly. Take 2 cups of fresh basil leaves (packed), ¼ cup grated parmesan cheese, 3 tablespoons pine nuts and 3 finely minced cloves of garlic, throw it in the blender, slowly add olive oil as you blend, and you’ve got a sauce that will love you for you, even if you don’t put out on the first date.

Do you have a food-related question? Email us at thisisafoodblog@gmail.com.

True Life: I drink Mountain Dew

In the world of soft drinks, Mountain Dew is your racist 24-year-old cousin from South Carolina who's into NASCAR and displays a Confederate flag on his pickup truck.

Is that crazy? Or do you know exactly where I'm coming from? I'll bet you do.


There's nothing inherently "classier" or more sophisticated about Coca-Cola products, but it seems as though there is some sort of bizarre class divide (or at least a perception of one) between Coke and Pepsi products users - though certainly with many exceptions.

I grew up on Coke products. But, about two years ago, I discovered the deliciousness that IS Mountain Dew. I drink diet, as the sugar content in that particular beverage is out of this world (making the corresponding calorie content too much to maintain my Barbie-esque figure) - but few diet fizzy beverages that I've had taste better.

The caffeine content in MD has got to be substantially more than that in other sodas - at leave the ones I've tried. For me, after a few servings, I'm ready to fly!!! Or least go for a run or furiously clean something or, oddly, write something. Lots of times, including right now, I'll feel compelled to write something punchy after drinking a large serving of diet Mountain Dew. But it's vaguely logical: caffeine is a stimulant. Stimulants enhance brain activity. What can I say? If you want to write Pulitzer-worthy colloquies quickly, drink Mountain Dew.

On the downside, caffeine irritates the bladder, so be near a toilet if you're planning to drink a larger portion of the green poison. One time I pee'd four times in a half hour after a 20 oz.

On another upside, however, it can encourage bowel movement. So I would recommend this beverage to my mildly constipated friends. No, I do not know this from experience.

OK - I do.

Still, because of my perceived stigma of it, I rarely drink Mountain Dew around friends. I never buy it in bulk - only from vending machines in front of grocery stores or Mr. Copy in a rush so no one sees.

So there's that.

My life is an open book. My drink is a diet Mountain Dew.

ChocoHATE? Don't mind if I do!

I can neither confirm nor deny that white chocolate is the official food of the Klan, but what I can confirm is that it tastes like crap.

In the last flog entry, the lovely and talented Michelle confessed her love of white chocolate. Now, let me profess my contempt for the aforementioned confectioner’s imposter.

Not only is “white chocolate” an oxymoron, it doesn’t deserve the prestigious honor of the name chocolate. Let’s face it, it’s not chocolate and I can prove it to you.

I looked up white chocolate in the dictionary. (Well, dictionary.com to be precise. Who actually owns a dictionary these days? The same people who still use kinetoscopes, phonographs and America Online.) Here is what I found.

white chocolate
n : a blend of cocoa butter and milk solids and sugar and vanilla; used in candy bars and backing and coatings; not technically chocolate because it contains no chocolate liquor

Huh??

chocolate liquor
n : the liquid or paste that is produced when cocoa beans are roasted and ground; the basis of all chocolate

I’m no philosophy major, but if “white chocolate” lacks the basis of all chocolate—how can it be chocolate? Answer: It can’t. Unless you want to go around saying that the basis of all chocolate, the sheer definition of chocolate, is meaningless; in which case I could say that I am chocolate. Ladies and gentlemen, I am made of chocolate. You could be chocolate. The entire cast of Dawson’s Creek could be chocolate.

Even your cell phone could be chocolate. (which is perhaps why Verizon Wireless thinks it can get away with it.)

But how do we remedy this dilemma? If you took away “chocolate” from the name “white chocolate,” it would just be “white,” and that’s already the name of a color. (or the combination of all colors of light, if you want to get into physics) I propose they change the name to “white wannabe chocolate” or “a waste of calories.” I guarantee there wouldn’t be so much controversy if white chocolate had the ability to not taste like a congealed combination of chalk, 30-year-old marshmallows and those lollipops from the bank. (And yes I know what that tastes like. Ever played truth or dare?)

chocoHATE

White Chocolate: not only my nickname in prison, but also the site of much discussion and some controversy, even, in the world of chocolate. I went there for spring break last year. It was nice but the service was catastrophically slow.

According to ask.yahoo.thisisnotaverycrediblesite.com, the FDA does not classify white chocolate as chocolate. Racial implications aside, I feel this is blasphemous!

After all, white chocolate is made from the same ingredients as that which we refer to as just "chocolate": cocoa butter, milk solids, sugar, lecithin and flavorings (usually vanilla, in the case of the WC). What makes the white chocolate white is its tendency to participate in skin bleaching and its lack of cocoa solids. I don't really know what that means. But that's what it says on Wikipedia. (hey, this is a flog, not your homemaker's 101 textbook)

Because of its lack of exposure in mainstream media, I believe people underestimate this ivory delight. Have you had it on pretzels or raisins, for example? It is a superior snack. So are almonds and books by Michael Crichton.

Drop dead bread

I have a magic loaf of bread. I won’t keep it a secret from you. It’s generic Kroger wheat bread. I bought it for a dollar. But here’s where the magic comes in—I don’t remember when I bought it. It must’ve been months ago, but it hasn’t molded yet! It seems perfectly fine, a little dried out, but no green, fuzzy patches.

I know what you’re thinking—the curse or pixie dust or fairy dust or spell or incantation or wish or gnomes or sprites or dwarves or ghosts or demons that live inside the bread aren’t magic. They’re called preservatives.

Needless to say—have I been eating this very, very old yet miraculously mold-less bread? Of course! Granted, I eat it at a very slow pace because I’m out of town a lot, but it can’t be bad if there’s no mold, right?

Today I received a surprising bit of news—loaves of bread have expiration dates. I didn’t know they had expiration dates! All my life, I always just waited for the mold. But what if the mold never comes?

What’s to become of me? Of us? (me and the bread)

platter up

A confession:

Party platters thrill me to my core.

(i'm thrilled!)


Anytime a plethora of delicious and bite-sized food options are offered concurrently is worthy of appetite-stemming excitement. Perhaps most exciting are cracker/cheese cube/summer sausage bit variety. In those cases, one can create a mini sandwich that is both satisfying and adorable.

Another common platter is, of course, rolly sandwiches. Typically, these are hams or turkeys or sunless tanners with cheese in wrapped in a tortilla-esque bread. The most beautiful ones are no bigger than your palm. Last year, Miss North Dakota was a rolly sandwich.

Excitement!:

Orange you glad you asked?

Dear Food Blog,

I really love citrus fruits, but I have difficulty telling them apart. I’m overwhelmed in the produce section of the grocery store. They all seem so similar! I don’t know a tangelo from a tangerine. Please help.

-Stumped by Citrus

Dear Stumped,

Even if I asked a Nobel Prize-winning botanist for a good way to decode the subtle nuances of citrus, he’d shrug and walk away. Thanks to genetic engineering, no one will ever be able to keep track of all the different fruits. For example, did you know there’s such thing as an orangequat— a cross between an orange and a kumquat? Bottom line—citrus fruit is confusing. The difference between a tangelo and a tangerine? Stop trying to be a hero. I can’t even tell the difference between a grapefruit and my left hand. And more importantly, who cares? I hope that answers your question.

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Plums: better than sand

Plum haiku:

Plums are delicious
They are merely youthful prunes
Still, plums are better


Only once in my life have I regretted biting into a plum. I blame myself for that experience, too, as the plum was too old to adequately be enjoyed; I should have respected its age before attempting to use it for vitamins.
Unless one has a plum tree, however, finding the most delectable, non-puny plums can be an exciting challenge, especially at mediocre chain grocery stories. (I’ve already asked for a plum tree from my parents as a graduation gift – keeping my fingers crossed!!!!!)
Often I have to cradle three or four plums in my palm before finding one I seek to purchase, not unlike how yogurt cups nurture its content. The obstacle of finding the right plums may enhance its later pleasure of consumption, though.
The nutritional benefits of plums are prominent. Not only do they provide one substantial Vitamin C intake, they also promote regular bowels, especially when in the form of a prune.
Sadly, prunes are – for most, it seems – unappetizing to the naked eye, making them not a largely sought after snack. Also because prunes are pregnant with raisins. Sort of PIT-itful, I guess. (this is a pun in that plums have large pits at that core that should not be digested, unless you are me at seven and do so accidentally, which spurs your frightened mother to call your pediatrician only to have him reassure her that it will be removed naturally through the your bowels.)

Don't stay in the bath too long.