We all scream for death cream

Dear Food Blog,
Do you know any good recipes for homemade ice cream?
Respectfully,
Cream Craver


Dear Craver,

We here at the food blog commend your moxie, chutzpa, and other funny words for so blatantly going against the health obsessed grain we find in our society. Do you own a motorcycle? It sounds like you enjoy living dangerously because ice cream, much like cigarettes and alligators, will kill you. But if you’re willing to look past that I have a recipe for you. I’ve never made ice cream before but who needs a cookbook when you’ve got logic? Pour yourself a glass of half & half, add some ice cubes (or crushed if you prefer), and I assume you’ve made ice cream. Enjoy!

Do you have a question about food? Any question at all! Just email us: thisisafoodblog@gmail.com

It takes 1200 calories and 63 grams of fat to kill a colony of evil gnomes

I’m piggybacking on Michelle’s fast food shame. I didn’t have a New Year’s resolution to eat a more healthful diet. (I just have the same resolutions I have every year—Listen to more Fleetwood Mac and stay out of prison.)

I simply avoid mass produced triple bypass snacks instinctually as daily survival, the will to live. But yesterday something inside of me snapped. A deep bottomless-pit-hunger seized my midsection. Gnomes were using pick hammers to mine precious gemstones inside my stomach. I couldn’t just allow this to happen, could I?

I craved that greasy, physically ill feeling only fast food could provide.

And then one of my friends G chatted me up about a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. He used all the hot buzz words—cheesy, melty, crunchy. Surely there was a Taco Bell somewhere in Manhattan! But I didn’t have time to look! The gnomes! Right across the street was a closer, even greasier establishment. (I once dissed them in a live freestyle rap battle, so I won’t name them again.)

I didn’t really know what I was ordering. I just picked something random from the menu that looked like this:

After eating 1/3 of this burger I didn’t really feel like a person anymore as the grease danced around my insides. But there was no turning back. I picked off all the bacon, scraped off the cheese and asked, “Why did I do this to myself?” I’m pretty sure the gnomes are dead now. Mission accomplished.

kentucky fried pride

2008 was supposed to be the year I ceased my intake of unnecessarily greasy and fatty foods. I told myself Dec. 31 that the only food purchased through a window from a teen with two-inch spacers and rosacea I would eat is Subway. I wanted even those sandwiches few and far between, as I'd bring PBJs and fresh oranges from home for my worktime lunch.

It was an entire two weeks before I drove to the Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-thru and ordered shame.

Actually I ordered a crispy chicken "Snacker" and a side of mashed potatoes. It was mixing with my stomach bile within eight minutes.

I noticed a spot of gravy on my pants later in the afternoon -- a savory reminder of my failed attempt at a healthful diet. But that gravy spot also looked like a silhouette of the Blessed Mother, so I will probably get $400 for it on eBay.

Do they sell cholesterol medicine on eBay?

Commander in cheese biscuit

As we roll through the primaries, endorsements are flying left and right like flapjacks at a lumberjack convention. We, as a food blog, are giving an endorsement so the voters can know who to turn to for the food-related issues that really matter in this election.

The Food Blog endorses… Breakfast.

Mom and Eggo commercials are right when they say the morning meal is the most important. It maintains metabolism and helps us concentrate on our mid-day piano recitals and county commissioner meetings. Most importantly, many of our favorite foods are from the conventional breakfast food family: eggs, pancakes, waffles, pastries in general, salty meats, any and all breads, maple syrup and citrus fruits.

Just check out this PSA from 1992 that displays the importance of breakfast.





Pancakes. French toast. Waffles. That’s at least three different things you can put syrup on all in one meal category. What can you put syrup on at dinner? Mashed potatoes? NY strip steak? Sure, you can put syrup on those things, but I’ll see you in hell.

It's my lunchbreak and I'll blog if I want to.

OH, lunchtime. For some it’s a mid-day visit to the Zen “spa” in Soho. For others it's a delightful beacon of mid-day hope and nourishment, especially if you’re a working stiff like me.
It was “International Mexico” day in the cafeteria. Let’s just say a fiesta with a mariachi band comprised entirely of chicken nachos is making its way through my digestive tract. See the sombrero?