The ULTIMATE granola bar showdown

Granola bars—are they a supreme food beamed directly from heaven’s snack pantry or evil devil sticks that give you syphilis? Below the floggers debate the issue.


Michelle says...


Granola BARen't you having one?

Why granola bars are good and therefore also why my argument is inherently superior to Joanna's:

1. Even the least healthy granola bars - those with chocolate chunks and high amounts of sugar – contain some amount of fiber and protein, which work to sustain appetite and promote bowel regularity.
2. Kashi Company CEO, supplier of whole grain and sesame cereals and bars, is bff with Jesus.
3. Granola bars are convenient. The majority of varieties are individually wrapped and a more healthy option than equally convenient snackeroos like fruit gummy snacks or candy bars.
4. Their deliciousness stems from their versatility …they can be sweet or salty, containing nuts, paper clips, seeds, and/or Mercury's moons.
5. Babies can eat them.

Joanna says...

Just say GraNOla.

Take a look at granola in its original loose 'n' crunchy state. Why would anyone look at that and say, "I want this to be made into a hardened, solid stick?" For convenience? I wish lots of things were more convenient, but I don't want them in a stick. Deodorant? Yes. Food? No. Take the Internet, for example. People wanted to be able to take that around in the palm of their hand, so they created smart phones. But have you ever tried eating a smart phone? Quite frankly, they taste horrible, with the exception of the Blackberry.

1. Granola bars are made of bird seed and birds poop on my car.
2. The KKK would often put two granola bars perpendicular to each other to form a cross and light them on fire as a scare tactic of oppression.
3. The last of the now extinct Pygmy Mammoth died after choking on a granola bar.
4. Nothing rhymes with "granola bar" so you can't write limericks about them.
5. Babies are stupid.

The best food in life is free

At work this morning I walked into the ambiguous office-eating-nook (I can't call it a break room because I don't work in a strip mall.) to find free bags of Doritos. I gleefully grabbed some, but on the way to my desk my co-workers shot me piercing, judgmental looks because I held in my hand inedible filth. Or maybe it was because I brought in my historical Nazi paraphernalia collection. Whatever.

If I could afford a decadent breakfast of tofu squares* and fish oil, surely I would eat it instead. But alas, I am a devout follower of the church of free food. The way we worship our divine deity is by consuming it whenever possible. If you walk away from free food, you walk one step closer to eternal damnation.

Of course, I'm not immune to the junk food stigma. A co-worker brought a box of doughnuts over to my cubicle one morning and my first thought was, "You expect me to put that toxic waste into my body?" I think I ate like three.

*I thought you might like to know that instead of "tofu squares" I initially typed "tofu scares" which sounds like a great, health-conscious treat for trick-or-treaters. If I had Photoshop on my work computer, you know I'd draw a scary face on some tofu, maybe give it some fangs, etc. Oh, HELLO Paint.