My chips don't lie

Let’s talk about chips. As you probably know, the word “chips” can mean different things in different countries. For example, in Great Britain, “chips” is the word they use for prostitutes. That’s why American tourists might be a little surprised at what they get when they order fish & chips at the pub.

Wood chips, computer chips, poker chips, Erik Estrada, Larry Wilcox. All of these are delicious snacks, but I will focus on the potato and corn variety of chips that we enjoy in the USA. I believe that we can learn a lot from chips. If you only know how to listen, chips can teach us about life and love and most importantly— ourselves.

To prove this, I sorted through a bag of corn tortilla chips in my kitchen. I was looking for a chip that resembled a former U.S. president or maybe the outline of a state.

But what I found is this.

Kinda looks like a bear, doesn’t it?

No? Well, check this out, non-believer. Your chip preference can tell you even more about yourself than your zodiac sign. Find your favorite chip genre below and see what it says about your character.

Corn chips – You’re a real risk taker. You’re not afraid of sharp corners.
Blue corn chips – You have a profound love of food dyes.
Potato chips – You like the taste of potato chips.
Pretzels – It’s time for a reality check. Pretzels aren’t chips.

Oh my stars! How could I forget about dips? That’s a whole ‘nother introspective journey for another time.

not remarkable.

weekend food consumption of note:

1. starbuck's mocha frappuccino light - doesn't taste "light," i recommend to anyone who enjoys perpetuating unethical capitalism

2. frozen pancakes - had never tried them before now. they were cheap at the store. i warmed them up before consuming. DELICIOUS. i recommend to anyone who enjoys perpetuating unhealthy diets

Friendly food advice, learned from experience (1)

No matter how delicious or precious the food/drink you are consuming may seem, licking it off the steering wheel while driving is always a bad idea.

I like Guster. Not soup.

Soup makes me angry. Many people enjoy it and use it to obtain adequate nutrition during meals. But when I’m looking for lunch or dinner, I’m interested in eating food items, not having a beverage with meat or vegetable chunks (known in U.S. culture as 'soup').




(hey look at this picture of something that is not food.)



"What about stew? What about chili?" I’ve been asked. Of course these foods suffice. There is nothing runny or unsubstantial about those foods and they are similar to soup only in that they are typically eaten with a spoon.

Cereal and milk is different, also, because, in that case, milk serves only as a complement to the cereal. “Would you like some cereal on that milk?,” no one would ever ask, especially if they are babies who have not yet developed the ability to speak and form words.

I’m aware of the existence of so-called “hearty” soups, which could arguably be enough to fulfill an appetite. I would argue that this is true, if there is a chocolate sundae and two slices of pizza in the soup.

Soup-lovers might say I just haven’t ever tried good soup. To them I would say “then why don’t you marry soup,” because that is a funny, funny joke.

Bottom line: when I am seeking to obtain nutrients and vitamins, I want to chew them. This is not to discount milk or juices or other liquids with nutrients and vitamins – just soup, because it pretends to be food. Thus, I would call it a poser. Also because it has a Mohawk and goes to punk shows but is really into Nickelback and Guster.

Pasteurized prepared cheese product and you

This is the first time I’m writing about cheese, but you listen to me. It won’t be the last.

True story: It was late on a Saturday night and I had last-minute guests over at my house. And they were hungry. Quandary! All my kitchen had to offer was frozen broccoli and a bottle of gin. Luckily I was wearing my “WWMSD?” bracelet. (What would Martha Stewart Do?)

I’ll be honest, my friends actually rifled through the fridge until they hit the jackpot—24 individually wrapped slices of American cheese, “Kraft singles” if you will. I bought them back in March or April. (Don’t worry, they don’t expire until September.) And I don’t even eat American cheese, but my guests were happy, satiated and better looking after eating it.

So here’s the lesson I learned. It’s always good to have some American cheese on hand just in case you need it, like a first aid kit. In fact, you should keep American cheese in your first aid kit.

J. L. Kraft knew what he was doing. According to the Kraft Web site, he started selling cheese from a horse-drawn wagon in 1903. And thank God! His cheese has so many uses. Even if you don’t want to eat it, your friends with lower standards will enjoy it as a hearty meal. Kraft singles also serve as good bathroom tiles, coasters, soothing eye masks and so much more!

But why did I buy that cheese in the first place? Perhaps I was driven by mysterious forces in my subconscious, like a secret, burning desire to express my patriotism through dairy? No. It was something entirely different. Why else would I buy cheese I don’t even like unless it was destiny? Fate whispered in my ear that day at the grocery store. No, scratch that. The ghost of J.L. Kraft whispered in my ear that day at the grocery store.

The grocery store is haunted.

My pudding cups bring all the boys to the yard

The right side of my brain has been enhanced the past few weeks with astronomical knowledge due to my enrollment in a course called "The Solar System."
Hence, I’ve been thinking in terms of the bigger picture and have realized a very important universal nagging question that must be considered and explored:
Is the pudding cup the ideal snack?



(hi there, sugar)

Certainly one’s answer depends on the type of cup of pudding being consumed. The kind I’ve been regularly purchasing recently has yet to provide for me an unpleasant eating experience.
Without dropping brand names (not until I see the cash money), I will say that my fave cup has no more than 100 calories in its generous 4 oz. serving. Moreover, there are 0 fat grams and, as the packaging boasts, is "Calci-YUM!" in that it provides 10 percent of a typical person’s daily need ...of calciyum. There are 23g of carbohydrates in these cups (8 percent daily value), but if you’re a "carb counter" please exit my blog immediately. You’re no friend of food.
Aside from serving as a nutritional supplement, the pudding cups – chocolate, vanilla swirl – are both toothsome and obviously believe in racial harmony. On that note, I apologize to my lactose intolerant readers who are unable to enjoy the pudding snacks of which I’ve spoken so highly. Maybe tree bark is a nice substitute for you.
Add a spoon and it’s ready to eat.
Is a pudding cup the archetype of effective snacking? Looks like yes.

Everybody's trying to be my baby corn

I believe it was hip hop artist Ol’ Dirty Bastard who once said, “You say you got my baby and I know it ain’t true,” which reminds me of something one of our readers brought up. It’s an age-old question that mankind keeps coming to time and time again: Are babies food?I’ll admit, I probably should’ve consulted an expert before jumping to conclusions, but I’m going to go with no. Babies are not food. Unless you’re talking about veal where you take a baby cow in the early dawn of its life, constrict its movement and force-feed it milk. But you’re not here to read about what I do on the weekends.

So let me get to the point. We’re all searching for the most humane way possible to eat a baby. I give you: baby vegetables. Baby carrots, baby corn, cherry tomatoes. All of these are baby-sized foods that you can enjoy without ingesting an actual baby. They taste similar to their regular-sized counterparts, but with a flavor that’s more youthful and innocent. And they’re just so gosh darn cute. (Because they’re smaller than normal. You know, you get a baby corn in your stir fry and it’s a lot smaller than an ordinary cob of corn. Get it?)

Instead of using the term “baby” to characterize these food items, some people might try to use the term “mini.” Like “mini carrots.” Crazy, I know. But these people are out there. We call them terrorists.

Girls just wanna have bun

To me, it is exciting when a word implies both a slang term for a body part and a delicious food item.
I can think of no better example of such than “bun” ( though probably “melons” come in second.)
With the recent infiltration of buns in Lebanon, I feel it is both timely and essential that they are discussed.
Bun can indicate a well-toned buttocks (preferably when plural) or any number of bread-based food items. I will focus now on the latter meaning, as it is most relevant to this particular blog. In another medium, I would love to discuss buns not meant for consumption to fulfill nutritional needs, however.
What all can a bun be? There are two essential categories.

1. an intentionally-shaped bread chunk convenient for cradling hamburgers, hot dogs, or any number of meats, spreads, vegetables and condiments. Like these:

2. a sweet “roll,” typically (though not always) consumed during breakfast hours, or “the first meal." Hark! here is one:

I will acknowledge now that, in today’s English, definitely number one is more common. When a person is asked to “pick up some buns at the store,” it is unlikely said person will question if they are to purchase rolls made to hold grilled meats or a luring young man.
The diversity of this type of bun is especially significant. Any number of seasonings or seeds can be baked onto or into it and appeal to the masses. Onion. Poppyseed. Garlic. Sesame. Pepper. Gummi bear. Moreover, its size can be anything from oblong to perfectly round and still make it onto many a dinner table across the nation.

Sometimes I resent that a bun can also indicate a sugary baked good for morning, characteristics that, to me, indicate a donut, a food genre with far more selection. Moreover, I cannot help but consider the popular chain, Cinnabon, at this time. No yeasty indulgence is worth a glycemic coma.

That’s all for now. I’ve gotta tend to a bun in the oven.

A flog?

We eat food. If you also eat food, then we probably have a lot in common. I’m kind of hungry as I’m writing this. We all share food adventures, experiences and opinions. Food is the unifying force of human existence. Food is a huge part of our lives. Food drives us. Food shot JFK.

So bookmark this page. It’s gonna get interesting real fast.

Main Entry: food
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: meal
Synonyms: aliment, bite*, board, bread, cheer, chop chop, chow*, chuck, comestible, cookery, cooking, cuisine, diet, drink, eatable, eats*, edible, entree, fare, fast food, feed, fodder*, foodstuff, goodies*, grit*, groceries*, grub*, handout*, home cooking, keep, larder, meal, meat, menu, mess*, moveable feast, muckamuck, noddy, nourishment, nutriment, nutrition, pabulum, provision, ration, refreshment, slop*, snack, store, subsistence, support, sustenance, table, take out, tuck, viand, victual, vittles*
Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.2.1)
Copyright © 2006 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.
* = informal or slang